


I’m Sorry for Breaking your Soul {Stucky}

by Writer_0001



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Stucky - Fandom
Genre: 1940s, Bottom Steve Rogers, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Mpreg, Multi, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Top Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2020-06-29 05:22:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19823410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writer_0001/pseuds/Writer_0001
Summary: Weak and frail Steve Rogers is forced to survive the coldest winter Brooklyn has seen, alone, all the while being pregnant with Bucky's baby.





	1. I Just Wanted To Know You Cared

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Welcome everybody to my first fanfiction!!! I've been reading on AO3 for a while now and I thought that maybe I could write one too. Anyway thank you for clicking and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> PS: Feel free to correct any of my grammatical errors or leave constructive criticism. If you enjoy please leave a kudos it would be greatly appreciated. Thank youuuuu !!

Steve Rodgers had never been lucky. It was made evident by the universe that Steve would always have to fight and struggle to get opportunities others could easily obtain. His body was the most prime example of his misfortune. Not only was he small and weak, but he was also riddled with illness after illness, which disabled and restricted him from what life had to offer. Although life had always been harder for the blonde he never let his obstacles break his spirit, until he was confronted with an issue he thought he would never have to deal with.

Steve sat on his toilet seat in his run down and tiny apartment. Tears trickled down his ivory face and he prayed, prayed for this to be a cruel nightmare, and that maybe, just maybe he could wake up in Bucky's arms and feel whole again. Steve quickly got up from the toilet seat and threw out the pregnancy test in the can next to his foot and undressed as fast as he could. The weak boy stood in front of the sink mirror and stared intensely at his small frame. He looked tired and worn, his eyes heavy with bags, his lips turned south in an almost permanent frown. His blonde hair was devilish and skin dull.

Steve could only imagine what his body would look like months from now. The blonde already hated he looked but now knowing that his stomach would swell with a child soon and his hips would grow wider, wider than they are already are for a man, worried him even more. He could deal with the self-hate, hell, he has been, from the minute he realized he was different looking than the rest. But he couldn't handle the idea that maybe Bucky would hate the way he looked while full of his child. That Bucky would be disgusted by the idea of Steve being apart of the rarity of me who could bear children.

Steve broke down again from the thoughts swirling in his head, putting his hands on his face and sinking to the cold tile floor in agony. The walls felt as if they were closing in on him, and at this moment Steve couldn't deny that he would allow them to swallow him whole. His body shivered but he let himself suffer. He was a disgusting excuse of a man and he allowed himself to feel uncomfortable and cold as punishment. His brain fogged with the need to get away from the mess Bucky had put him in.

More importantly, though, all he could think to himself was how wrong this all felt. He knew that men could get pregnant, although it was rare, it was possible for a small percentage of the male population to have the ability to bear a child and deliver it naturally. Steve just never thought he was apart of this small percentage. And now he knew he was utterly fucked. His body was far too weak to support his own life, let alone another human being. It was in moments like these he wished that he was physically stronger, not only was he scared to become a father, he was scared for his own life. It is very possible that carrying a baby could be too much for Steve and there could be a complication that could be fatal.

A million thoughts ran through his head like a series of memories. His heart clenched with fear and he knew he had to tell someone about his situation. Someone other than Bucky.

When Steve felt like he had enough strength to pull himself up from the cold bathroom floor, he collected his clothes and quickly put them on along with the heaviest winter jacket he had and ran out the door to the bar he knew his best mates would be.

It was only September and the air should've been crisp and dry waiting for Autumn to begin, but Brooklyn had been much colder that night and with his weak lungs, he didn't want to risk an asthma attack. So he bundled up just in case, to avoid an embarrassingly amount of attention. To be fair, it was agreed among most of New York that winter was fast approaching, so much so that the temperature was far colder than it should've been for being September; and it was known that the winter of 1948 was going to be one of the harshest and coldest.

Steve had no money for bus fare, unable to take the subway, he was forced to walk to the bar his friends attended every Friday night.

The bells hung by the door rang lightly as he walked into the hazy, crowded yet calm environment. Immediately he spotted his friends sitting at their usual booth towards the west side of the bar. Seeing them, and seeing how happy they looked he knew almost instantly that he had made a mistake. His breathing fell short, his heart hammered in his chest and he knew he needed to turn around. Leave. Run Steve. Get out of there before they see you. His thoughts screamed inside his head. But his body was frozen with anxiety and fear and as he turned to leave with one foot out the door he heard a booming voice from the west side of the bar.

"Stevie". Fuck.

He turned back around to see Tony, Natasha, Sam, and Bruce waving towards him. Why Steve? Why do you have to be so dumb? Why did you even come here? He made his way to the table and sat down next to Sam.

"Hey Stevie, where have you been all night?" Natasha said as she combed through her red hair with her fingertips, trying to fix the frizz that occurred in the front.

"I was home. I had to catch up on some sketches" Absolute bullshit. Could he tell them he was pregnant? Would it even be a good time? Natasha must've picked up on his lie. She gave him an odd look and quirked eyebrow but continued her business in her hair.

"Doesn't matter. You're here now and that's what matters." Sam pitched in. Grabbing Steve's shoulder and shaking it, in attempts to get Steve to lighten up.

"So let's get fucked up!" Tony shouted over the loudness of the people around them and began calling the waitress with his hand for more drinks.

Everyone chuckled at Tony's bluntness and continued their conversation. Steve absentmindedly put his hand on his stomach as he wondered how the hell he was going to avoid drinking without letting the rest of them know he wasn't getting drunk with them. Of course, he was opposed to the idea of the thing was living inside of him but he didn't want to hurt it with his own stupidity.

The waitress came to take their orders and when Steve had ordered just water, Tony interjected by ordering everyone vodkas shots. Soon enough everyone was engaged in laughter and conversation, while Steve sat in the middle of his friends never feeling more alone than at this moment. His hand continuing to rub his flat tummy did not go unnoticed by Natasha.

"Stevie darling" Natasha spoke again. Steve quickly removed his hand from his belly and looked at Natasha, suddenly aware that all eyes were on him.  
"Does your stomach hurt, why do you keep rubbing it like that?" She finished her question staring intently at Steve.

"It does actually. I think I'm coming down with something. That's why I didn't want to drink tonight" Steve lied. That's a great fucking lie Stevie. Now give your self a mental pat on the back.

"Damn Steve. If you didn't feel too hot tonight, you could've just stayed home we would've understood." Bruce chimed in. Everyone took Steve's discomfort way more seriously than an average human being because Steve was sickly and a stomach ache for the blonde boy was more serve than it was for any of them.

"Don't worry about it, it's probably just a little bug, it'll be gone in a couple days. And plus seeing you guys all drunk and disoriented is way more fun than staying along in a cold and empty apartment."

Everyone had been pleased with Steve's response and went back to taking shots and sharing jokes. Being around some of his  
closest friends did bring him some form of relief from the massive amounts of stress and anxiety that had been placed on him since the situation in the bathroom. They sang and danced and drank till they were wobbling towards the door. Tony told vulgar jokes, Steve flushed with embarrassment at the darkness of them, while Sam and Bruce play fought on the corner of the street and bantered over who could hold their liquor the best.

Eventually, they began walking home. The sober ones walking faster than the stumbling drunks in the back, still giggling at the air and pushing each other into the sides of buildings and cars whenever one of them let their guard down.

"Eight years" Natasha started. "Stevie I've known you for eight years, I can most definitely tell when you are hiding something. So please, tell me, what's wrong?" She gives Steve that look. That pleading, caring Natasha Romanoff look that only she could pull off and that he could not deny.

"If I tell you I need you to promise me you won't tell a soul." Steve gave her a hard gaze.

Her eyes opened real wide.  
"I swear I won't."

Steve didn't know how to put it. He knew that telling his best friend would relieve some of his stress but he could barley accept it himself and to tell another person would undoubtedly make the entire situation even more of a reality.

"You know Barnes and my situation with him"  
She nodded firmly, still taking small steps to their apartment building, trying not to leave the stumbling fools to far behind.

"Well we have been having sex recently and I guess I'm a part of the small percentage of males that could procreate." Steve said almost in a whisper.

Natasha immediately stopped walking. Looking down she could see the rest of her friends about a block and half down.  
"You're pregnant with Bucky's baby?"

" Yes." Steve closed his eyes and hung his head low in shame and fear. Shamed because Bucky and his relationship were in scrambles and fear due to the silence that lingered in the air.

He suddenly felt a pair of warm arms wrap around him and he released a breath of air that he could not recall holding. And like a child he began to sob into her neck, breathing in her scent and securing his arms around her. His tears made a puddle of wetness on her shirt but she didn't mind. The anxiety that was hovering over his head like a dark cloud was slowly fading away and he could feel himself getting lighter with every passing second.

"Tasha I'm so scared" the blonde sobbed into her shirt.

"I could only imagine Stevie. Just know that I'm here for you okay. That you have options. Does Bucky know yet ?"  
Steve shook his head in the crook of her neck. She didn't let go from his embrace until he let go first. The cold air blew through their hair as they both pulled back. Steve wipes his eyes trying to rid the evidence of his crying. Natasha still looked curious about the entire situation.

" I found out right before I came to the bar. Something felt off inside of me and I kept waking up nauseous and then throwing up everything from the last day. After two weeks I got sick and tired of feeling like something was wrong so I took a pregnancy test. I guess I knew deep down from the first time that I threw up what was really wrong but I didn't want to admit it myself. "

The two sober friends walked to the curb of the empty street, taking a seat at the edge of it. A soft light shone on Steve's tired features, his face showing nervousness and anxiety. He wished Bucky were here to hold him and tell him everything would be okay. He just wanted to know if Bucky even cared.

"What about your little dance with Bucky" Natasha questioned, her voice also laced with anxiety.

"I don't know where I stand with Bucky. One day he's sweet and caring and basically being my boyfriend, then the other he's out partying with other dames and hooking up with them." Steve's heart filled with sadness that Bucky was out with anyone other man and woman. Being intimate with him should only be reserved for Steve, and yet it was every other night, the small man would see a stranger walking out of his bedroom of their shared apartment.

"Stevie, I love you and I love Bucky, but you need to establish where you stand with each other. You have no right to get jealous if you didn't confirm your relationship as boyfriend and boyfriend."

"That's not true Tasha, I have every right to be jealous. You can't tell me my feelings are wrong." Steve putting his head in his hands, already feeling stress and anguish filling his heart and mind. His body tensing as he looked down the street to make sure Sam, Tony, and Bruce were still far enough to not hear their conversation.

Of course, he knew that he could count on their discretion, but not like this, not while they were drunk. And even when they are sober, they are still men and he didn't know how they would take it; knowing that their best friend was pregnant and had the reproductive system of a woman. He already felt like less of man, because of his size, but now he was doing something a woman could do. And if that didn't make him feel even more awkward in his body nothing else would. Even when Sam, Tony, and Bruce had told him a million times that being a man certainly did not count on physical appearance and gender norms should go to hell, he couldn't believe it himself. And he knew he never would.

"Okay you're right, you are 100% entitled to your feelings and emotions. But I'm not going to sugar coat anything for you. We all told you that you shouldn't have been playing around with him if he was only going to use you. You love him too much to have your feelings be played around with. He's a great friend but a horrible lover. And know you're stuck with having to ddeal with his inconsistency."

"I really don't need a lecture right now." Steve was starting to get annoyed with Natasha's bluntness. He loved his best friend but she never did hold anything back. "I just need you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. " Steve's broken voice came out barely above a whisper as he tried not to cry, but already was on the brink of tears.

"Just this one time Stevie. We can talk about your real options tomorrow over coffee." Steve felt her warm hands over his back again and he leaned into her touch. He rested his head on her breast and melted into her embrace. Natasha held Steve with a tight grip and carded her fingers through his short blonde hair and slowly rocked with him while they both waited for their friends catch up.

"Thank you." A quiet voice peeped.

"Don't worry about it, Stevie. If you got no one you got me. I'll be your endgame." She whispered into his fluffy hair.

For a short while, with the soft glow of the streetlight on them, the cold blow of the wind slowly blowing their hair, and the quiet hum of occasional cars driving by, Steve felt calm.

He hadn't felt calm in a while. He was glad to have these moments of tranquility.

It was short-lived however, the drunk stooges had finally caught up and they began yelling in the street. Steve broke away from Natasha.

"Alright let's get you guys home" Steve wrapped an arm around Tony. While Natasha handled Bruce and Sam.

The group of five skipped home and sang some 40's tune they had heard down at the bar. The guys had gotten so drunk, they were sloppy, making a fool of themselves and tripping on air but Steve enjoyed the moments when they were like this. When his friends could be carefree and not worry about money or their next meal. They were all around their early twenties, with the exception of Tony who was reaching his 30's. Steve knew he would have to go home and face his real problems but right now he laughed and danced in the street like a madman, ignoring the growing life in his body.

But the logical part of his brain hung onto the anxiety and fear and those emotions only grew when he was standing in front of his apartment door.


	2. You Used to Come Around and Now You Don’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally faces Bucky but it doesn’t go as planned. He realizes he might’ve been the problem all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!!! This story is filled with lots of angst and tension between Steve and Bucky. If it isn't already clear, male pregnancy is normal in this AU. Please if you do not like male pregnancy, exit right now because the story is focused on Steve's pregnancy. Thank you so much to anyone who is reading this. Also, if you have any prompts or suggestions (it doesn’t have to be Stucky related) please feel free to leave them anywhere, or inbox them to me. I will try my best to do them.

Unfortantuley, Steve and Bucky were too poor to get anything more than a one-bedroom apartment. Most night the two friends would share the small bed. Cuddled up close under a shared blanket, with Buckys strong arms pressing Steve further into his chest. That was before the war. Before the separation, before the three grueling years of Steve sleeping in the same bed alone. 

Bucky was drafted in 1942 when America had first entered the second World War. Steve was left to play house because he was too frail to fight. Steve missed Bucky dearly for those three long years, but he also found Natasha, a close companion that he could confide in. Before Bucky left the war they were best friends, maybe they were friends who had been too close. Neither the brunette or blonde addressed the subtle back, cheek or arm touches but Steve already knew that he loved Bucky and he had a strong feeling Bucky loved him too, in much more of a friendly way of course. 

Steve reminisced about his relationship with Bucky, even in its uncertainty, to Steve his relationship with Bucky was beautiful. It was in times like these, that he needed these memories to help him sleep. He would've slept with Bucky, but tonight the solider had brought someone home. Whether the stranger was a man or woman was unknown, but from the moment Steve had stepped into his apartment he saw the sock on the door and the blonde immediately began gathering blankets from the spare closet. He took off his jacket and curled up on the lumpy worn-out couch, praying for sleep to overtake him. All hope that he could talk to Bucky tonight about his future child was down the drain. The brunette could care less about Steve when he had his lover for the night in his arms.

Hearing soft moans, Steve figured it was a pretty dame that Bucky had taken home. His heart broke, even more, knowing that it was a girl. Steve literally couldn't compete with a girl, he didn't have any of the same equipment as she did. The blonde let himself cry again. Even if Bucky and Steve did have a fling months ago, he still missed him with all his heart and more importantly, Steve still loved the solider. After the brunette had come back, almost 3 years ago, Steve and Bucky have been doing this dance, as Natasha liked to call it, that involved sex but never dedicating himself fully to the smaller man. And Steve being naive never put his foot down, which only allowed Bucky to believe the relationship between the two males was a "friends with benefits" rather than a real consented relationship.

Steve knew the mess he was in was majorly his fault. The stress, nausea, anxiety came back clouding his mind and weighing down his shoulders. Steve pulled a pillow over his head and tuned out the moans and grunts from Bucky, all the while trying to find a comfortable position on the couch, which was damn near impossible, and allowed sleep to pull him into a deep unconsciousness. 

It wasn't the sun's light that woke Steve from his slumber, neither was it the sound of Bucky's deep voice singing softly during his morning showers. Rather, it was the uneasiness in his stomach that had him shooting from off the bed and sprinting to the toilet, as his hand flew to his mouth to hold back the bile rising in his throat. Thanking God the bathroom was empty, he kicked the door closed and dropped to his knees and emptied everything into the toilet. His throat felt like it was on literal fire and his head spun rapidly. He became sensitive to everything, the light, the noise of chatting in the other room. 

Once everything had escaped, he felt absolutely no relief. He rested his head on the edge of the toilet seat and waited for the second round to hit. To Steve's misfortune, the second round always seemed to be worse than the first. He felt his back hunch, and he began dry heaving into the bowl again. This time tears brimmed his eyes as the burning sensation rose in his throat eventually rushing forward into the toilet.

Not only was Steve's throat burning, but his body had also become slick with sweat and the entire room had felt like it was on fire. His knees felt like jelly and he began to hold onto the toilet to stop himself from falling backward. 

Once he had emptied everything in his stomach, he dry heaved until he was able to stand. Slowly he closed the lid and flushed the toilet while reaching for the sink to clean himself up. 

He looked horrible, he knew he did, but more importantly, he felt disgusted with himself and extremely light headed. He had no sense of grounding and every step he took threw his balance off even more. Seeing no other option, Steve got on his hands and knees, not trusting himself to walk, and began crawling towards the bathroom door in hopes of getting Bucky to help him to bed.

As loud as he could he cracked the door open and pulled all the strength to scream Bucky's name.

"Bucky!" Steve thought his shouting would've come out louder but it didn't and Bucky didn't respond which meant he had gone unheard.

"Bucky! Please, I need you" Steve glanced at the clock. 7:43. Bucky should be up, he would usually wake up at 6:00, being an army man and all. Why didn't he hear me?

Soon enough Steve heard footsteps rushing to the bathroom door. He saw pale grey eyes peer through the slit between the door and the door frame. Steve felt embarrassed knowing that Bucky would see him in such a vulnerable position. Literally on his hands and knees weak, on the brink of unconsciousness, his face as pale as a ghost, and helpless begging for someone to save him. Like always.

"Steve I would love to help you right now but my girl is waiting for me. I told her I was alone tonight and she can't know I have a roommate. Just hang in there for a couple of minutes." He said in a hushed voice before closing the bathroom door and footsteps were heard traveling the opposite way of where Steve lay.

Steve didn't even have the chance to think about Bucky's actions before black dots danced through his vision and eventually covered his eye sight entirely. 

-

The first thing Steve felt was coldness. It made him shiver and sunk deep into his bones. The second thing Steve felt was a pair of strong arms lifting him from the coldness and being embraced into a strong heat. A warmth that he not only desired but needed. 

It only took a few moments for Steve to realize Bucky was trying to lift him from off the cold bathroom floor. His body still felt sore and weak, while his mind was fogged and a thumping headache that squeezed his brain over and over again.   
In the brunette's arms, as he was being carried to the room, he couldn't help but notice the clock hung on the hallway wall. 

8:05.

Steve really couldn't fucking believe it. James Bucky Barnes. Someone who was supposed to care for him deeply, if not love him as a friend at least, had let him lay on the bathroom floor passed out for nearly twenty god damn minutes. 

Steve couldn't take this anymore. He couldn't take the hot and cold Bucky was giving him. The mixed signals. The ignoring and then clinging to him the next day. It was emotionally draining, it was physically draining and it, to put it bluntly, it simply wore poor Steve down. 

The logical part of Steve's brain knew that he had to take care of himself because of the baby. He knew that he should have let Bucky wrap him in blankets and feed him soup in hopes of nursing him back to life, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand to look at Bucky's face, he couldn't stand to live in that apartment and see his best friend choose a stranger over him almost every night. He wanted to get up and run away until his lungs burned like fire and his legs gave out. However, just like always, Steve's body limited him and as a result, when he was placed on their "shared" bed, the blond had no strength left in him to even open his eyes let alone run away.

He did try, however. He thrashed in Bucky's hold, he tried to push the solider away but he was too weak. And now he lay in their bed, while Bucky was sitting across from him, waiting for something to be said. Anything. The uneasy silence only grew as time ticked by. Steve had so much to say in his head but now, as he was wrapped in white sheets, face stained with tears and his throat on fire from the sickness, he was left completely speechless. 

Bucky, of course, always had something to say. 

"So are you going to tell me what this is all about Steve?" The blond remained quiet, lips sealed in a tight line.

"Steve...I know you've been getting sick these last couple of days and I'm worried about you. So come on, tell me ?" Bucky urges again.

"Why would I tell you anything?" Steve muttered. 

"Excuse me." Bucky inquired. Steve knew damn well that Bucky has heard him, that the brunette wasn't looking for clarification of what had been said, rather he wanted to make sure that Steve had actually spoken up to him.

"If you have heard me getting sick why didn't you help?" For once Bucky had nothing to say. He put his head down in shame.

"It's not fair you know. I sleep on the couch like a stranger, while the real stranger sleeps in our bed. You left for 3 years and now I don't even know who you are Buck." 

"It's James." Steve scoffed at James' response.

"You're right James, you're always right." Steve sunk further into the mattress. 

"Is this about our little fling?" Bucky got up from his corner of the bed and walked to the vacant chair near where Steve lay. "You can't expect me to play house with you Steve. It isn't fair for me to be tied down to you when we were never fully committed to each other." Bucky gave the blond a hard glare, his grey eyes burning holes into the other's blue ones.

Steve felt his heart weigh heavy with sadness. Some of the happiest moments he had were the intimate nights he had with Bucky. To now know that to Bucky it was no more than playing house, Steve knew in that moment he would never accept the child. He was a fool to even consider coming clean to Bucky. 

"Even if you didn't care about our fling, I was still your best friend. We were supposed to care for each other." Steve started pulling all of the covers off, throwing them to the floor. "I needed you, and you used to promise to be there." The blond felt tears well in his eyes but he blinked them away. He would never let Bucky see him cry for him. Not after this.

Bucky only looked angrier than before. Yet, Steve continued.

"What type of person does that make you James? A really shitty one, if you wanted the answer." By now Steve was fully standing, his small frame shaking with rage. Bucky was pacing the bedroom floor, his hands balled in fists. 

"It's not my fault you're a liability!" The soldier was full-on screaming now. "I've been saving your ass for 15 years now, you have needed me all the time. I'm tired of you always needing me to save you Steve! You use people, but I'm the shitty person here!"

The minute those words left his mouth, the brunette's hands flew to cover his mouth. A look of horror and shock written all over Bucky's features. You can't unring a bell and you can't take back words said. Everything that had been said in the room forever stained both Steve and Bucky's souls.

Steve, unlike Bucky, wasn't shocked at the solider's cruel words. Deep down the blond knew that he was nothing but trouble to Bucky. In Steve's eyes, he did nothing but put restrictions on the brunette. He always knew that one day Bucky would get tired of always taking care of the smaller man, he just never thought it would happen so fast, or when he was carrying their child.

Steve's face remained unchanged. Sadness overtook all of his features and his shoulders slumped further than they were already were. The walls were closing in on him again and he needed to leave. He needed to see Natasha, he wanted her comfort. 

His heart pounded in his chest painfully as he searched around their bedroom for clothes to change into. He didn't care if the clothes matched, he just needed to leave before the walls suffocated him, before his heart pounded so hard that it completely broke his rib cage. He needed to leave so he could never see Bucky's face again. His beautiful face only brought Steve pain and embarrassment. Those grey eyes which were once filled with joy and laughter now seemed emotionless and dull. 

Steve had been sure what tired Bucky out so much was the war. That the war had changed him, for the worse. It was the separation that had ruined their relationship. Now, with Bucky finally speaking his mind, Steve was sure that he had worn Bucky out. The sickly man was too needy, too dependent on the brunette, and as a result, he had broken Bucky's spirt. And now it was up to the blond to fix it, to finally help Bucky. 

The solution, in Steve's eyes, was to leave. Even if it hurt the smaller man to leave a place he once called home, he knew that the solider needed time to himself, away from the liability.

He didn't care if Bucky saw his frail and weak body while he was changing, as long as it got him closer to leaving. He could hear the other man's pleading.

"Steve please don't leave." 

"I didn't mean any of it."

"We can talk this through."

"We can even get back together if it makes you stay. Steve please."

Steve was fully dressed heading for the door until he heard that last plea come from Bucky's mouth.

"You think that's what I want. You think I want you to pity me!" They were standing in the hallway inches away from each other's face.

"You want us to fool around again right?" Bucky asked desperately. Steve's face contoured in disbelief, that the solider could misinterpret their conversation so horribly.

I just want you to love me! Steve screamed inside his head.

"No James. I just want to talk to Bucky, before I tired him out with my constant needs." Before Steve could turn to leave for the door again, Bucky grabbed both of his skinny wrists in his hands and pushed him to the nearest wall, until the blond's back was firm against the drywall. 

"Well guess what Steve, you're never going to see Bucky again. Okay!" The stronger man tightened his grip on the smaller man's wrist while he thrashed in his grasp. "He died. He was killed! So get used to this, get used to me." Bucky was shaking Steve against the wall now. "They say when you love people, you should love them for who they are. Tell me Steve, could you love me like this?" Their faces inches away. 

Bucky was on the verge of tears. His grasp only getting tighter around Steve, already creating bruises.

Steve was absolutely horrified. He has never seen such a vicious side of Bucky. The solider's eyes were murderous, every vein on his neck popped out, his skin glistening with sweat and his teeth clenched together brutally hard.

Still, Steve couldn't answer the question. Could he love a broken man? He didn't know, but he was certain that these walls would suffocate him if he didn't reach fresh air now.

"James!"

"Just please let me go. Please. You're hurting me." Steve could swear on every grave that for a moment, a sliver of a second, Bucky came back. He saw the Bucky he knew. 

The brunette's face was covered in horror when he realized what he was doing. He immediately removed his hands from Steve's wrists and examined his fists with a look of pain and shame written all over his harsh features, before shoving them in his pockets. 

Steve took this as his time to leave. Stealing one glance at his home, taking in his devilish hair, his pained expression, and god that beautiful body, which now was covered in scars from battle, he left and let the door slam behind him.

Steve didn't stop running down the steps and down the street until he felt his lungs burning and his legs giving out. He stopped at the first trash can he saw and threw up whatever he had left in his stomach, which was absolutely nothing. His hands gripped the sides of the trash can and hoped that he wouldn't faint again.

He kept dry heaving until he had regained enough strength to remove his head from the can and sit on the public bench.

Eventually, his stomach somewhat settled and he began his journey to the coffee house he knew Natasha would be. It was the only one in their part of Brooklyn and he needed her comfort again.

You're worthless. You're going to break Natasha just like you broke Bucky. 

And with those thoughts invading Steve's head, he decided in that moment, he was not worthy of Natasha's friendship. He didn't want to hurt anyone else, he could admit to himself that he was a ticking bomb, a liability, a responsibility. So, the blonde turned back around, away from the coffee house, and to the one part of Brooklyn where he knew he could be alone like he deserved to be.

A/N:   
I hope you guys enjoyed that chapter. It came out way longer than I intended it to be. Thank you for reading and feel free to comment about the story or constructive criticism. This is my first ever fic so feedback would be helpful!!!


	3. Distance Creates Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve isolates himself and comes to another realization with Natasha, while Bucky and Steve come to another unfortunate event.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!! I hope everybody is having a great day. I figured Steve needed some sense of relief from the pain and stress he was going through so I gave it to him. I'm starting to consider this book a slow burn, kinda. Anyway like I said a lot of angst takes place between Steve and Bucky and Steve has some rather dark thoughts, although they aren't explicit they are there. I'm very sorry about that but it pushes the book along. Also, this is a longer chapter. I'll write shorter ones if you guys prefer it but this came out to around 5,300 words.  
> Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a kudos and comments. I love seeing the reactions, it really makes my day. I worked hard on this one so I hope you enjoy.
> 
> P.S: I also am still learning HTML formatting so I'm very sorry if my italics are messed up. Hopefully, you can understand when it's Steves' thoughts.

Steve knew to be alone was the best way he could protect the people he loved from himself, however, the blonde also knew that isolating himself would only cause himself more harm. But he couldn't will himself to find Natasha or any of his friends. He had to stop using people and deal with his shit on his own, which brought him to one of the loneliest places he knew.

Steve took a seat at the old worn down chair on the east side of the thrifty book store. The bookshelves were covered in dust, the tables were old, dented, and scraped and there were two or three people scattered around the entirety of the shop. Every piece of furniture in the old store had personality and a story.

Only Bucky and Steve knew about the book shop. It was one of the blonde's favorite places to be. He also knew that the soldier wouldn't chase after him and that he could be alone, just as he planned to be.

Steve walked up to the front desk where Mrs.Grahm usually sat, the owner of the small shop, and rang the bell twice.

Mrs.Grahm, a sweet and rosy caring elderly woman, wrapped in multiple layers of sweaters of several patterns approached the desk and carefully sat down before giving her attention to Steve. Once her wrinkled eyes landed on the small man, a smile grew on her face until it reached her eyes.

"Where have you been Steve? I've missed you so much." She reached over the counter to embrace Steve in a hug. The blonde gladly wrapped his arms around her soft figure. She smelled like old books and sweet perfume, but he didn't mind.

"I've missed you too Mrs. Grahm." They both pulled away from the hug.

"You look stressed son, is that soldier boy bothering you again?" Steve rapidly shook his head 'no', after all, he was the one who broke Bucky, not the other way around. The blonde almost had forgotten that he told her about their 'dance', he prayed that she wouldn't ask any more questions. He loved talking to Mrs.Grahm but he didn't want to break her too, so he zipped his mouth shut and waited for something to be said. 

The elder took in his appearance, her eyes traveled down Steve's arms to his wrists where small bruises had already formed. Steve felt embarrassed that he had let Bucky cover his arms in such ugly ways and now, a lady he loved dearly had seen them. He attempted to cover them with his thin long sleeve but to no avail. She had already seen them.

She gave him a hard glance, almost as if she was trying to crack a code, but in the end, she smiled and sighed softly her cheeks turning a red color.

"I have something for you, wait here." Mrs.Grahm got up and walked to the back of her store to return minutes later with a brand new sketch pad and graphite pencils. She placed both items on the wooden counter, slowly pushing them towards Steve.

Steve's heart filled with happiness and joy. How could she have known? He wanted to accept such a thoughtful gift but he couldn't. /He wasn't worth this./

"Mrs.Graham I can't-" She cut him off before he could finish.

"Steve"

"Mrs.Grahm, I'm not worth all of this." Steve bowed his head down in shame.

"Of course you are. Please take it, you've done so much for me in the past years, you deserve something in return." She pushed the supplies closer to him "And it'll help with your little business." Mrs.Graham often bought Steve's artwork even if he tried to give it to her for free. Unlike Bucky, who could use his strength and health to get jobs, Steve wasn't able to work jobs that included manual labor. As a result, he had to find other ways to make money by using his own talent. Therefore, he drew and sold his art to help Bucky with rent.

With slow and steady hands Steve slowly grabbed the art supplies, holding it tight to his chest.

"Thank you so much." The smaller man hoped she could hear the sincerity in his voice and in his expression. He was truly grateful. "How about I come in on Saturday to help?" Steve knew art supplies weren't inexpensive and although America was considered recovered from the Great Depression, small shops, such as hers, were still struggling to make a sustainable amount of profit.

"You've been helping for years, Steve. It's time someone helps you."

_No Mrs.Graham you're wrong, I always need everyone's help. I'm nothing. ___

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Steve shook those evil thoughts away and smiled again. A fake smile, but it was there.

"If you really want to help, you can draw me something pretty and I'll frame it for the wall. It'll make this old shop feel like brand new." She offered him another rosy smile. Steve walked around the counter and hugged her again. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how important she was to him and how grateful he was to spend moments like this with her.

"I know...I know.." She whispered in his ear as if she could hear his thoughts and her hand slowly rubbing up and down his back. Once again, the blonde felt his anxieties wash away. He felt safe.

Steve pulled away reluctantly and she placed a delicate kiss on his head.

"Now go draw me something beautiful, kid." And with those words, Steve sat on the old chair again and began to sketch his home. Not Bucky, but his literal home, an aerial view of Brooklyn. He knew it like the back of his hand. He shaded where the buildings overlapped each other and drew every detail on every skyscraper. Mrs.Graham loved New York City, and she loved the borough of Brooklyn even more, so Steve worked extra hard to make sure everything about his drawing was perfect.

Steve had not even noticed that the time had gone by so quickly. He remembers it being around eight o'clock when he left and now it was one in the afternoon. Seeing that the elder was on her lunch break Steve took this time to leave. He grabbed one of her napkins writing a note that he would come back next week to help and give her the drawing for the shop. He signed his name and then drew a heart to show his love for her and left the thrifty book store letting the glass door shut behind him and leaving the tranquility and safety along with it.

The pregnant man really didn't know where to go. He stood on the corner of two streets, completely alone and lost with harsh winds blowing his hair. In his rage and fear to leave the house, he had forgotten a good warm jacket. Now he shivered as goosebumps raised along his skin and he prayed he wouldn't get a cold from the weather. Then his stomach growled and he realized he hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon. He didn't feel hungry but he knew he had to eat for the baby.

He subconsciously rubbed his belly. He hadn't thought about the baby much since he had gotten to the book store. He felt guilt rise up in him. He hasn't been eating and now the baby was suffering. He was a horrible person. He was a horrible father.

He searched his pockets looking for money to buy something to eat but his hands came up empty.

He couldn't go back to the apartment and face Bucky and he couldn't see Natasha for reasons he already established, but he couldn't let the baby in his stomach go hungry.

Another cold rush of air ran through him sinking into his bones. Steve knew what he had to do. He had to put the baby first. _His _baby first. It was the first time Steve actually thought of the life growing inside of him as his. His and Bucky's. The idea of telling the solider was still in his mind. He knew he had to he just didn't know when or how. He wasn't ready to ruin the brunette's life even more. The blonde didn't want to face another world of pain; not only would he be rejecting Steve, but he would also be rejecting their baby. A baby that was made out of love in a moment of heat and passion which Steve cherished...and apparently Bucky did not.__

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His thoughts brought upon another wave of guilt as he forced himself to walk home. All the stress, anxieties and fears that had been drowned out by Mrs.Graham in her book shop had come back; hitting Steve a million times harder than before. His shoulders tensed up, his body ached again and his head pounded with a headache. All the while Steve continued to put one foot in front of the other for his baby.

Steve knew that if he wasn't pregnant, he would've let himself stave until he fainted from malnutrition. But everything was different now. He wasn't just responsible for his life but for another as well. Along with the negative emotions flooding his mind, determination grew within him as well. Determination to protect the little bean inside of his womb.

Then the idea had just occurred to him. He didn't know a lot about his bean. In fact, he didn't even know how far along he was. How big his baby was? When the baby was conceived? Or if the baby was even healthy? _God what a failure you are already Steve! _. He shook his head to get rid of another negative thought. That's all he seemed to hear these days and a frown formed on his face.__

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He could try to pinpoint how far along he was but it would be nearly impossible. Bucky and Steve had been fucking like rabbits that entire month and the months before that. He could guess he was a month along but he could never know for sure. Come to think about it, Steve couldn't even name one doctor that could help him in his situation and wouldn't turn him away for being gay or a pregnant male.

He was alone in every way and it was his fault.

He reached the familiar door and prayed that his roommate wouldn't be home. He sucked in a breath and braced himself for the worse as he turned the key and opened the door.

His blue orbs scanned the entirety of the apartment, the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, and living room and to his fortune, they were all vacant.

The pregnant man leaned against one of the walls in the hallway and sunk to the floor. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Steve's eyes glanced to the bowl by the door where keys were usually stored. He noticed that Bucky's keys and wallet were both gone meaning he had gone to work, which also meant Steve could stay here for almost the entire day if he wanted to keep avoiding the soldier.

"I was so worried about you." A voice spoke from the down the hall. Steve's heart pounded rapidly with panic and his small frame jumped up from its comfortable position on the floor. His hands flew to his stomach, in an attempt to protect it from the unknown.

"Who's there?!" Steve began to slowly walk towards the front door not turning his back towards the voice. Then he heard footsteps and saw red hair and a very worried yet very pissed looking Natasha wearing her usual all-black outfits.

She looked pissed.

"Where were you! You blew me off for coffee this morning and I thought something happened to you."

Steve's fingernails dug into his palms in a tight fist. He did not need this. He didn't want to upset anyone else but he did anyway. He thought being alone would help his red-headed friend but it only made her angrier. _He couldn't do a damn thing right. ___

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He felt even guilter than before and his face couldn't hide his emotions. Natasha definitely noticed there was more than the eye could see and calmed down.

"I-I'm sorry Tasha, I just thought... I-I wanted, no, needed to be alone." His nails dug even deeper into his hands.

"No Stevie. I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha-" Natasha started but the blonde interrupted.

"But I blew you off. I'm the wrong one." Natasha started walking to him from down the hall.

"It's okay to take time for yourself Stevie. I do it all the time. I should've understood but now I do." She wrapped him into a hug.

_She understood me ___

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He felt a lot safer now.

Another loud rumble came from his stomach. Natasha pulled away and looked at Steve's stomach before tipping her head back and letting out a loud laugh. The blonde joined her and they laughed together at the noise for a while. It felt good to laugh after the first half of his day had been hell.

They both calmed down from their laughter and Steve showed her to the kitchen. Natasha began making a very late breakfast for both of them and they engaged in silly banter. Each of them laughing at each other's jokes. Steve sat at the old wooden chair in the "dining room" area, which in reality was a small three-legged wooden table and two lousy squeak chairs.

"So are you ever going to tell me how you were able to sneak into my apartment?" Steve asked playfully.

"Well, after I realized you probably weren't coming, I went to your house, thinking you had morning sickness. But when I knocked and no one answered I got even more worried. So I went around to the back of your apartment building and climbed the fire escape."

"Wow." The blonde was stunned. "That's actually really smart." Natasha shrugged and flipped the pancake.

"You should lock your windows, anyone could've done what I did and hurt you." She gave him a protective look while she cooked over the stove. "I also..might've accidentally climbed into the wrong window and met your neighbors on the floor below you." She put the cooked pancakes on a plate and took a seat across from Steve. "They are wonderful people." Natasha finished her story chuckling at her own foolishness.

Steve threw his head back and laughed too. He really did love spending time with her, she was a once in a lifetime friend. Which gave Steve all the more reason to protect her from himself.

They each took their serving and began eating while Natasha opened a new branch of conversation. Steve didn't want to think about the baby or Bucky, but he knew he had to.

"Did you tell Barnes this morning?"

"No. I threw up and passed minutes after I woke up and then we got into a big argument." He didn't want to go into detail. He didn't need to.

She nodded her head and continued to listen.

"I'm actually thinking of moving out." Steve fiddled with his fork, the syrup on his plate suddenly becoming way more interesting than Natasha.

"Where would you go?" She swallowed the last of her food.

"Yeah...I haven't really figured that out yet." He finally lifted his head. She smiled and playfully rolled her eyes.

"You know you could always stay at my place." She reached her hand across the table and grabbed Steve's dainty fingers in hers.

_You did it again Steve. You're munching off the only friends you have. Fuck. ___

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He became a liability again. Steve had to say no.

"I can't. Tasha that's too much of an offer. I could nev-" She cut him off out of excitement.

"Yes! Yes, you can. It could be like a sleepover every day. We could go see movies together and camp in the sheets at night." Natasha got up from the chair and walked closer to Steve, still happily explaining the idea, like a kid.

_He couldn't. He would be her responsibility. No. No. No. No. No. ___

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He felt his body break out into a cold sweat and those walls, those _goddamn _walls began to close in on him again. His hearing became muffled, almost as if cotton had been stuffed in his ears and his surroundings began to spin rapidly. Steve just wanted everything to stop. Even if it meant living in its entirety.__

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For once he wished things would go at his pace. That he could decide what he wanted to do with life, not the other way around. But Steve was never fortunate. And life for the blonde always felt like he was swimming in an ocean too vast for him. It felt like he was drowning, and every time he would come to the surface for a sweet and needed breath of air, another wave would pull him under, filling his lungs with water.

And in the moments, where he could take in the oxygen he was meant to breathe, were always so shallow and short-lived, but the water was always so deep; and before he knew it he was under again, fighting for another breath of air that was consistently so far away.

How many waves could he endure before he was lost in the dark sea for good? How many times could he hold his breath for far too long until he gave up and let himself be taken? Steve didn't know, but this 'wave' felt like it could be it. The stress, anxiety, and fear had become too powerful.

And all these thoughts running through his brain, staining his confidence, his value and corrupting his conscience became all too much.

"Please Stop! Just Stop Talking Please!" Steve screamed, covering his ears and sinking to the cold floor. He didn't dare look at Natasha, who immediately stopped talking, because he wasn't brave enough to see her face. The blonde would understand if she had left and never came back. After all, _he was a shitty friend _.__

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He could still hear her breathing, so he knew she had stayed and knowing her presence remained only made him feel worse. Guilt and shame continued to wrap around the pregnant man even more, never letting go. Steve felt his emotions finally overwhelm him and he cried. He let out the pain from earlier, the pain from yesterday and the pain Bucky had brought him for all these months.

Once he started he couldn't stop. His small frame racked with sobs and his cheeks were flooded with a stream of tears. His throat went raw and his eyes grew puffy and red until they closed shut. He felt a weight curl next to him and he knew it was Natasha. She pulled him into her soft chest and held him on the cold floor of the kitchen for as long as he needed.

Steve didn't bother getting up when he finished crying, he just laid there in his own misery and pain. He was completely embarrassed that he had sobbed so hard in front of the red-head, all because she offered him a place to stay. Steve knew that his break down was more than that but he couldn't explain to her how much deeper it was without /breaking/ her too.

When he finally gained enough courage he turned around. Their faces only inches away from each other. Her green eyes were filled with worry, sincerity, and pain. Steve knew he caused that to be there and he hated himself even more ( if that was even possible ). Finally, she spoke.

"What did Barnes tell you in that argument?"

"What do you mean? We both said a lot of things." Steve knew what she was trying to get to. She gave him an unsatisfied glare.

"Well, you weren't acting like this yesterday and then you talked to Barnes and now you're having a breakdown."

"It's the pregnancy hormones, Tasha." Steve lied straight through his teeth.

"No. It's something more than that. I can't help you unless you tell me Stevie." She went to push a stray hair back but suddenly, Steve jumped from her embrace on the cold tile floor and on to his feet in less than a second.

"I don't want your help." He muttered. The blonde looked up to see a hurt Natasha with her arms folded and tears welling in her eyes.

_Fuck. He shouldn't have said that. ___

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"Why are you pushing me away?" Her voice broke a little. "Did I do something to hurt you?"

Steve stayed quiet, taking a seat at the 'dining table'.

"Stevie," She sounded defeated. "What did Barnes say to you?" It sounded close to plea.

He took in her appearance one more time. She looked so melancholy and he hated that he caused it. Her cheeks were flushed with a little bit of pink, her rich red hair was slightly messy from laying on the floor and her eyes were filled with sadness and mercy. He was breaking her and he knew it. He was pushing _her _away and it caused _her _pain. Guilt could eat him alive at this point and he would allow himself to be taken if it meant he could escape the situation.____

_____ _

_____ _

He wanted to tell her.

He should tell her.

He needed to tell her.

Steve wiped his face of tears and took a deep breath. It did no help to ease the stress pooling in his shoulders and neck, neither the anxiety in his stomach or chest.

"Okay." His voice came out a shaky mess. Her green eyes widened.

"Okay, what?" She inquired delicately. As if her words could break his fragile confidence.

"Barnes told me I was a liability. A responsibility that he eventually grew tired of." Steve spoke so softly his words were barely audible but Natasha heard him and her entire demeanor changed.

"A responsibility?" She questioned, her voice laced with a wave of fiery anger. A type of fury only the red-head could possess and boy did Steve feel sorry for anyone who was on the other side of that burning rage. In this case, it was Bucky.

"Yes. This entire time, I haven't been telling you how I've been feeling because I didn't want to burden you. I'm sorry."

"Stevie you don't ha-" The blonde cut her off.

"Have to apologize." He finished her sentence for her. "Yes, I do. I've been pushing you away and I hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Her anger diminished with every word Steve spoke.

"When I asked you to live with me I meant it. I don't see you as a responsibility Stevie. You're my friend, _hell _, you're my best friend. I want to be there for you. If you'll let me of course." She spoke her last sentence softly. Steve's heart softened at her words. He regretted everything he had done this morning.__

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"Of course Tasha." The two friends embraced each other again.

"My deal is always going to be on the table Stevie." Natasha spoke into his messy hair. She was referring to the living situation of course.

"I know. But I don't think I could. I still have these-" Steve's brain tried to find the right words, "these thoughts in my head about my uh-my uh- I guess self-value." It came out more like a question. "And I can't get rid of them." Natasha broke away from Steve to look him in the eyes.

"If I were to live with you, I'd be riddled with guilt. So I'll just stay here until I can get a new place." The red-head nodded to show she understood.

"I'll respect that. But never think you can't come to me."

"I know." He knew to now. It would be challenging but he couldn't let what happened today happen again. It wasn't good for the baby.

"I need you in my life, Stevie. So please don't pull away like that again." Her voice had never sounded so sincere.

"I promise." He only hoped Natasha could sense the seriousness in his voice. That he did want to fulfill his promise as best as he could.

"Come on" She grabbed his dainty wrists, slightly irritating the bruises there. He didn't get mad, she didn't know it was there. "Let's go to the bedroom, we have a lot to catch up on."

He loved that he Natasha never made conversations like these weird. He was glad she didn't try to make it too sappy. They had an understanding of each other and they both left it at that.

They each took a seat on the queen size bed, crossing their legs and began to catch up. They spoke as if they hadn't spoken in years. Although it had only less than 24 hours since their last conversation, Steve did have a lot to tell Natasha.

He started by showing the bruises Bucky had left on both his wrists. They were an ugly yellow and purple color that littered his hands. He explained how he got them. What was said, what he said and how he felt. He told her everything and it felt great to release all the emotions he had been burdened with all day. His only hope was that by sharing his feelings he wasn't burdening Natasha. She promised it didn't but he still felt some sense of doubt. After the pregnant male had finished explaining everything, from the last time he spoke to her till now, she was angry. Not at Steve of course, but at the Brunette.

"So...permission to kill him." Steve chuckled at her aggression but the red-head wasn't joking.

"No. Permission denied. I'll just have to speak to him. Maybe things will change when I tell him my situation."

"It's his situation too you know. You can't put this all on yourself. It takes two to tango." She put up two fingers to emphasize her point. "If you know what I mean." She gave him a wink.

"God!" Steve flushed with embarrassment.

"uh-no. Don't bring God into this now." She joked playfully. Steve shook his head at her words and laughed. He didn't want this moment to end. He loved joking with Natasha. 

He enjoyed his moments of fresh air, while he could. He prayed another wave wouldn't pull him under again. Those negative emotions were always so difficult to control.

Her face suddenly scrunched up in concentration. She thought hard for a moment before speaking.

"What if you didn't have to deal with this at all?"

"What are you talking about?" Steve was extremely perplexed.

"There was a girl, who used to work at the bar with me and she got pregnant with the boss's baby. So she went to this doctor and when she came back she wasn't pregnant anymore. But you have to be early in the pregnancy for it to work."

"What did he do? Voodoo or something, I'm still confused."

"No silly. He performed an abortion." Natasha explained.

Abortions were very taboo and very illegal. Steve knew very little about them. He didn't even know that it was an option.

"The only problem is or rather problems are, it's very illegal and the girl told me it hurt like hell and she almost died because she had to do it in secret. It's also very expensive."

"How did she almost die?" Steve was worried even more now.

"Loss of blood."

"Well if she almost died and she doesn't have any health problems I presume, imagine me. I can't even walk upstairs without feeling winded. It's too risky Tasha, I could die." Steve was smart to put two and two together.

"Plus" The blonde continued "I don't think I could get rid of it. I know that it was a mistake but it's still mine." His hands flew to his stomach again and he smiled slightly. Natasha put her hands on Steve as well.

"It's kind of a miracle actually. You get the best of both worlds." Steve never thought of it that way, but he could see some truth behind it.

"I guess it would be okay if I was older, not broke and had the father on board."

"I don't defend Barnes a lot, but in his defense, you didn't tell him yet."

"I think our little 'conversation' we had this morning gave me a foreshadowing of how he might react."

"Well," Natasha sighed in defeat. "Even if he isn't, auntie Natasha will be"

Steve smiled at the red-head. God was he thankful to have her in his life. Natasha smiled back.

"Have you thought if it is going to be a girl or a boy?" She laid down, stretching her limbs. Steve scoffed at her question.

"It's too early and how would I know?"

"Because you're the one carrying the baby. Didn't your motherly instincts kick in yet?"

"Well, if I had to go off of what I was feeling, I would say a girl. But I could be wrong."

Natasha squealed. "Could you imagine? A little girl running around." Steve smiled at the idea too. I guess it wasn't too bad. His only problem really was Bucky.

A strong sense of tranquility filled the room as the blonde pictured his life with a daughter. He didn't feel like he was drowning when he was with Natasha.

"I wouldn't mind a little girl either. Blue eyes and dark hair. I'm just nervous to carry the baby for so many months you know. What if she comes out unhealthy like me?"

Suddenly, all peace left the room, the light-hearted conversation between the blonde and the red-head was ruined by the bedroom door slamming into the wall with a loud thump, that made both friends jump, to reveal a very confused and angry Bucky.

Every negative thought and emotion came rushing into the room beginning to pull Steve under and into a very dark place.

"Whose baby are you carrying Rodgers?!" Bucky's voice was filled with rage, confusion, and pain. His tone was loud and showed domination.

Steve was at a complete and utter shock. He knew Bucky would find out but not like this. He felt sick, he needed to vomit, but everything was stuck inside of him, including his words.

"How long have you been outside the door? That's not fair to any of us!" Natasha screamed back at Bucky. She was angry again, her hands balled into fists and her eyebrows drawn together harshly.

Bucky took a couple of steps closer to the bed where Steve sat.

"Not important!" He roared back at Natasha. "Steve. Whose baby are you carrying?"

Steve felt a wave of panic completely take over him. His hands trembled with fear and his heart pounded painfully in his chest.

He looked at the time.

5:46. Bucky shouldn't have been home yet, he got off work at 6. _Why was he back so early? ___

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"I-I...Buck- I mean James, why are you back from work so early?" Steve's voice betrayed him and fear and anxiety were clearly shown with the tone. He was at Bucky's mercy...again.

"I'm going to ask you one more time." Bucky approached the blonde, towering over him. "Steve, whose baby are you carrying?" This time Bucky didn't yell. His voice was stern but not loud. It sounded pained. _Why would Bucky be in pain? ___

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_This was it. _This was the wave that would pull him under and never let him take another breath. Slowly drown him, until he lost all hope and he gave up fighting.__

__He needed to breath in his last breath while he could and hold it._ _

__Blue met grey. His face only inches away from his ex-lover. He drew in a deep breath, knowing he'll need it and held it in his lungs, expecting to be underwater for a long time, closed his eyes as well, unwilling to speak if he had to see Bucky's face and said spoke the truth._ _

__"Yours" It was soft but it was there._ _

__All hell broke loose..._ _

___He should've taken a larger breath while he still could ___ __


	4. We Need To Talk...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in Bucky’s POV. We see the way he thinks and why he acts the way he does. Steve and Bucky finally talk about the future which yields an ugly conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update! I swear these chapters just keep getting longer and longer. Anyway this takes place in Bucky’s POV because I needed to switch it up. Also I was hoping to win some of Bucky’s affection back. There is some fluff at the end but this book is very hurt/comfort so Steve and Bucky are going to continue to mess up and learn. Anyway thank you for reading and feel free to share your thoughts. I hope everyone enjoys and has a great day.

Bucky's POV

The door slammed shut and Bucky knew he should've never put his hands on Steve. One moment he was yelling at the blonde, then the next he was hurting him and then he was gone. If he were to never come back, Bucky would've understood. He was a horrible person. He knew that, but Steve calling him a shitty person was enough to burn a deep rage within himself. And that rage was strong enough to move Bucky to do things he never thought he would do, like put his hands-on Steve. Hurt the blonde, both physically and mentally. 

Bucky looked at his hands again. They were cracked and dry, his nails were short but un-groomed. His hands were ugly and stained with oil and soot of with yesterday's work, but they were also stained with the blood of everyone he had killed in the war, and everyone he could've saved but didn't. He wanted to cut them off, all they ever seemed to do was cause others pain. If something were to happen to Steve today, the blonde's blood would be on his hands too. 

Bucky couldn't deal with that type of pain. At least not today, he had to get ready for work. He shook away the awful thoughts and got ready for the day. 

After he had showered and slipped his clothes on, he made his way to the kitchen to find breakfast. To his dismay, he only found pancake mix. A very little amount, and if he were to eat it for breakfast, when Steve would come home, if he came home, there wouldn't be enough for the blonde. 

Bucky decided to skip breakfast, he rarely ever ate breakfast anyway, he always wanted to make sure Steve ate before he did himself. After all, the smaller man did need it more. 

The soldier walked to his job, he didn't want to spend money on bus fare. It was a far walk but it was possible. However, Steve and Bucky's fight this morning had made Bucky already ten minutes late. If he was late his boss would fire him right on the spot. He was sure that if he wasn't at the shop by nine he would be out of a job by today. Stress pooled in Bucky's shoulders. He had no other option but to run to work. 

His feet quickened it's pace as time passed. He ignored the dizziness in his head and the burning in his lungs. He needed to keep his job, it was the only way he could afford the rent and take care of Steve. 

Bucky's entire body felt weak that if the wind blew too hard it might knock him over. But he had to keep going, so he pushed his legs to go faster even if his body was telling him no. 

He didn't stop until he reached the garage. He ran straight inside, immediately changing into his uniform and getting to work. He slid under a car and began twisting and unbolting trying to remove the engine so he could repair it. Bucky got lost in his work, he often did, he knew automobiles so well that simple tasks as these he would do robotically. He was a good mechanic, but his boss, Sal, didn't care for how good he was. Sal would fire anyone just to keep his pride and ego in place.

Bucky knew this about Sal, he has seen multiple workers get fired for small errors. The last thing he wanted was to lose his job. As cars became more popular, mechanics were needed more often, and as a result, Bucky got a good enough paycheck for him and the blonde. This was the only job he could do well and without a high school diploma. 

Soon enough, Bucky was slipped out of his thoughts when another person joined him under the car. 

"Hey, James!" The other man practically shouted right next to the soldier's ear.

"Fuck, Clint you're going to blow my eardrum." The brunette said barely above a whisper. Usually, he loved being around Clint, the man was pure jokes all the time. But today had been a rough morning and the world hadn't stopped spinning for Bucky.

"Sorry bud, I thought you were in a better mood." Bucky turned his head to see Clint's apologetic eyes.

"It's fine, my head is just spinning and I don't feel well." Clint began working alongside his friend, trying to do the harder parts for him.

"You still have a hangover from yesterday night?" He chuckled at his own words. "How was the blonde last night?" Clint gave a wink to emphasize his point.

"Steve?" Bucky questioned.

"No! Not Steve, I'm talking about the blonde you picked up at the bar last night." A sense of realization hit the brunette.

"Ohh! Her. Honestly, I couldn't remember. Felt like such a long time ago." Bucky lied. He could remember everything, in fact, he wasn't drunk. He remembers her name being Jen. Jen felt wrong, in more ways than one, she felt wrong around him, her lips felt wrong against his, and her mouth on his-- God he couldn't even think about it. Nobody felt better than Steve. He could admit it, just not openly. _Steve._ A wave of guilt consumed him when he thought of the morning. 

"Okay so I'll pretend to believe that and when you're ready to tell me you can swing by my house and we can talk about it over some beers." Bucky shot him an apologetic look.

"Sorry Clint, I'm just going through some things right now." 

"How's your boy?" 

"My boy? No Steve and I aren't dating." God. He did not want to talk about the blonde right now. Guilt could kill him right now.

"Regardless if you guys are together or not, he is yours and you are his." Clint gave Steve a serious glare, meaning he meant his words.

"Nobody is anybodys. I swear. Steve and I could never work, I'll ruin him." Clint passed Bucky another screwdriver knowing he'll need it soon. "I've been trying to ease myself off of him. When we first started, like when I came back from the war, I would only sleep with him but now I've been sleeping with other people, but I can't just stop sleeping with him too." 

"So basically, you're playing with his emotions by sleeping with him and also sleeping with other people to forget about him." 

Bucky reached over and punched Clint on the arm. It was so dark under the car he could barely see the other man's face. 

"When you put it that way I look like a horrible person-" The brunette started.

"James, it's a horrible thing to do. You know the boy is head over heels and you keep reeling him in and taking him nowhere."

"I swear I'm not doing it intentionally, I just can't let it go." 

"But you're still hurti-" James cut in.

"I know Clint. Trust me I know." A rush of shame came over Bucky and his cheeks turned pink, not that the other mechanic could see under the car. "I've been trying to cut it off cold but he's like a-a" He stumbled over the correct words to explain Steve, in reality, there were no words that could describe his perfection in the soldier's eyes. "It's like he's a drug, I can't get enough of him and I can't quit. So I'm stuck in this circle of horror and love. It's fucking exhausting." 

"Then if you feel this crazy about him, why don't you just close the deal," Clint said nonchalantly as if it was that easy. 

"Ugh, Clint you really don't get it." Frustration was evident in Bucky's voice.

"Then explain it better!" Clint was almost screaming, frustration laced in his voice as well.

"If I date Steve I'll ruin him. The things I've seen, the things we've seen, it haunts me. I'm not well up here." Bucky pointed to his head. "If I attach myself to him or make myself seem like he's anything more than a fuck to me, I'll damage him for good. I can't destroy the one pure thing in Brooklyn."

The soldier could barely see the sad look on Clint's face.

"I know James. But you aren't alone. What you're feeling...this emptiness, this sadness, it's normal. It's called PTSD or shell shock. A lot of soldiers experience it too, including me." The pair of mechanics had completely stopped working now. "At the end of the day remind me to tell you about a guy I know, he could help you with it."

Bucky didn't respond, just picked up his tools and started loosening bolts and screws. Clint nodded to himself, the two mechanics knew that Bucky appreciated his friend and there was nothing more to say.

They fell into a silent work mode, they passed tools to each other and helped each other with the harder parts of the car. The guilt and shame had been eating Bucky alive before but now it had already consumed him. He couldn't shake the blonde from his thoughts, he just wanted to go home and try to reconcile his platonic relationship with Steve.

"Barnes!" Bucky internally groaned as Clint gave him an apologetic look. Everyone knew how difficult Sal could be with his workers and now he wanted to speak with the soldier which meant there was something really horrible or really great. 

The brunette slid out from underneath the car, his eyes stinging from adjusting to the light and walked his way over to the back room of the garage. The minute Bucky took his first step towards Sal his legs felt like jelly, but he tried not to let it show, his boss didn't like weak men.

Sal was a miserable middle-aged man that was divorced with no kids. His brown hair thinned at the front, practically gone, and his mustache grew over his upper lip. He smoked 6 packs a day and constantly complained about his employees. The boss had no one in his life and as a result, he put all his dedication into the garage. It was almost like he lived there, everyone was sure that he had a mini apartment on top of his business.

"Yes sir" Bucky held his stomach and used his entire strength to keep his body upright. The dizziness was starting to increase and the soldier wished it would leave. He couldn't show that he was weak, not in front of Sal. 

"I need you to help me move something in my office." Sal's stern and cold brown eyes burned into his body.

"Of course Sir." Bucky gave the older man a weak smile but Sal just stared him down, his worn-down face never showing any emotion except anger, dissatisfaction, or neutral. Right now Sal was neutral. Bucky took that as a blessing.

Sal led the soldier away from empty space where the cars were and down a couple of long corridors into the boss's office. It was white rooms with a large desk and a chair in the middle. There was one brown closet in the corner but other than the scarce amount of furniture, the room was completely bland.

Sal stopped in the middle of the room and turned to look at Bucky.

"Look. This desk needs to go to the parking lot out at the front. So grab one side and help me get it out."

"Yes sir." Bucky ran his fingers through his short hair, feeling the stress in his shoulders rise. His arms felt liked they could fall off any minute and now he had to lift a desk. Any other day he could've done it but now with his head spinning and his arms and legs feeling like jelly he wasn't so sure he could make it very far. 

Sal and Bucky walked to opposite sides of the bulky brown desk and gave each other a firm nod before grabbing onto each end. Bucky's used every fiber in his body to lift the desk and began to walk back towards the main entrance. Dark spots began to cover his vision but he squeezed his eyes tighter and continued to walk even if his body was shaking and his head thumped painfully in his head. 

Bucky began sweating profusely, while his heart hammered hard in his chest as if he was running a marathon and his breathing became jagged. 

Sal signaled for Bucky to put the desk down. Sal looked out of breath too, the soldier grew annoyed, the boss shouldn't have been tired, he was barely lifting it was mostly Bucky's strength that carried them along. 

"You look frail kid. When was the last time you ate?" Sal asked.

"This morning." Bucky lied. Come to think of it Bucky couldn't think of the last time he ate a meal. He remembers eating some of Clint's peanuts two days ago after work, but at the bar last night he didn't eat or drink because he didn't have a penny to his name. Had it really been almost two days without food? 

"Whatever Barnes." Sal didn't look convinced. "Just pick up the desk again and let's finish this. " He spoke harshly.

Bucky gripped the desk with shaky fingers and forced his body to lift the huge piece of furniture before taking another unstable step backwards.

"Hurry kid! We don't have all day for this." Sal screamed at Bucky from across the desk.

"Sorry Sir. I don't want to fall." Bucky began to take faster steps backward just about reaching where the cars were. Together they weaved through the automobiles being worked on and the soldier was surprised that he had made it this far. Even though his body felt like it could topple any second and that head was spinning while his stomach flipped with nausea the soldier kept his composure and carefully weaved in between the cars. 

They reached the front door and had one last obstacle before the desk was in the exact place Sal wanted it. There was a small flight of stairs, maybe 4 or 5 steps, that they had to get down before Bucky could go back to work. Sal and his employee put the desk back down to regain their strength.

"Alright Barnes now grab the back and I'll tell you where to go." The brunette had no more strength to speak and once again grabbed the desk while the boss grabbed the other side and together hauled the desk higher and made their way to the stairs. 

The instant Bucky took one step backward down the stair his vision began to black out.

"Sir. I need to stop please!" The brunette plead.

"We will stop when we get to the bottom of the steps. God damn, when did my men become so weak." Sal complained.

Seeing no other choice Bucky took another step down and everything in his body collapsed. 

His knees gave our first and he began to fall back. His hands lost grip of the desk which caused Sal to let go at the unexpected weight. Bucky hit the ground first, the back of his head hitting the pavement painfully and then the desk cane after. Landing on top of him harshly, crushing his chest. 

Sal stood on top of the steps shocked but did not move to help Bucky. While the brunette lay weak with the heavy weight of the desk on his chest crushing him slowly but surely. He began to gasp for air having the wind being knocked out of him, the soldier felt like he was being suffocated. He looked to Sal for help but he still stood there now smirking at Bucky's misery and pain.

"S-s-sir. H-help." His voice was extremely quiet and broken. It was the most silent a whisper could get but Sal heard him and still remained unmoving. The weight of the desk on his body causing pain that became unbearable and he struggled to breathe. Bucky felt like with every intake of oxygen was causing his lungs to collapse. He lay there gasping and choking for air, face turning a bright red. 

"If you were a real man you would push the desk off of you and get up yourself." Sal chuckled at his own words. Obviously pleased with himself.

Bucky began to panic and his vision slowly blacked out. He couldn't die, not here, not now. Who would look after Steve? 

_No. Somebody help me. Please someone. No. No. Oh God. Please._

Bucky still felt nauseous and the weight seemed impossible to move. The desk had already pinned one arm down, which meant his right arm was his only useable one. With all the strength he had left in his body he began to shove the desk off of him. It didn't even move. Panic rose in Bucky again. His thoughts got cloudy and he felt himself coming in and out of consciousness. 

Bile rose in his throat and he began to choke. With the lack of oxygen and the vomit coming up he began to suffocate. The brunette's face turned blue and his eyes rolled in the back of his head. 

"James!"

Bucky didn't have the strength to turn his head but he heard a faraway voice call his name. Soon enough he saw Clint running down the stairs past Sal and kneeled next to himself. 

"O-o-f-ff" The brunette wheezes.

"I know. I know." Clint grabbed the edge of the desk using every muscle in his body and hulled the entire thing of Bucky's chest in two pulls. 

Once the soldier was free, he turned over to his side and threw upright on the pavement where his head lay. Clint sat next to him and rubbed his back. Bucky couldn't stop throwing up and his throat felt like it was being torn apart by his own stomach acid. 

Once he was done he rolled over and tried to get up but another hand pushed him back to the ground.

"There is no way in hell you are getting up. You look so unwell, your face is blue, your eyes are red with tears and your skin is clammy. Listen stay on the floor, I'm going to call an ambulance with the payphone over there." Clint pointed to the end of the sidewalk.

Bucky began to vigorously shake his head 'no' but it was no use, the other mechanic had already taken off running.

_I can't afford an ambulance and the bill would be too costly. Steve would go hungry. Oh God. I'm so weak._

Sal walked over to Bucky, hovering over him and his face clearly expressing disgust and anger. He then bent down to where the soldier lay and whispered in his ear. 

"You're a fucking failure. You're fired and if you come back here and beg me for a job I'll beat the shit out of you." Sal's words rung in Bucky'd head as his boss walked away but not before spitting next to Bucky's head.

He felt tears slide down his face and waves of shame, guilt, and stress continued to hit him, pulling him under. His eyes tried to focus on the unclear image of the clouds and blue sky above him. _He was fucking weak._ Suddenly, the sky darkened and with that all of his other senses shut off as well, leaving Bucky unconscious on the pavement.

*************************************************

When Bucky finally awoke, the sunlight burned his eyes and he felt like a truck had hit him. He was on an unfamiliar couch, in an unknown living room, with two strange voices distant but in earshot. He couldn't quite make out the voices or recognize them.

The soldier began to pull himself upright, rubbing his neck and his head. He immediately flinched when he reached a sitting position, his chest felt like it was on fire. He slowly gripped the edge of the fabric of his shirt and pulled it up, when he looked down he felt disgusted. His chest was wrapped in a bandage but his midsection was mostly covered in yellow, purple and brown. The desk that fell on him had left a disgusting bruise. He couldn't even see his natural skin color from underneath the discoloration. 

He wanted to cry again. The stress of losing his job, physical pain, mental unwellness, and his relationship with Steve was too much for one day. But he sucked in his tears, swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled down his shirt and decided to find out who's home he was in.

Getting up was harder than Bucky had expected it to be. He needed two hands to pull himself up since using his core strength was out of the question. Walking was difficult as well, even though he didn't feel dizzy anymore, every step sent sharp pains throughout his body. Bucky cried out with each one as quietly as he could.

The halls of the home he was in were painted a light brown and picture frames hung on them. From what he has seen so far, the apartment had been kept clean and neat. The living room was also nicely decorated even if nothing was fancy. 

Bucky walked up to one of the picture frames, looking closely he saw a family and a little boy who looked so familiar, he just couldn't identify who that boy grew up to be. His eyes moved up to the frame above the one he was just looking at. Once his eyes landed on the picture he felt stupid that he couldn't pinpoint who the little boy was.

He was in Clint's home. 

He had never been in his friend's apartment but he wished it wouldn't have been under these circumstances. He continued down the hall, as fast he could, which was very slow and he had to use the wall as a support system. After checking multiple rooms he found Clint in the kitchen talking to another man he didn't know.

"Hey bud! How are you feeling?" His friend inquired. Before Bucky could even answer, the stranger cut in. 

"Clint, he shouldn't be standing. It's amazing enough he didn't crack any ribs, he should lay down and get some rest." 

"I'm okay. Thank you though." Bucky didn't realize talking would be so difficult either. His lungs still felt like it was on fire. 

Clint dragged a chair from the corner of the room and forced his injured friend to sit in it.

"Allow me to introduce myself I'm Dr.Strange. Stephan Strange. I'm a close friend of Clint's. While you were out I checked over you." Bucky nodded, trying to process the information.

"Thank you for that. I'm sorry Dr.Strange but I don't have any money to repay you. I could work for you to make it up, if you'll allow me." The brunette put his head down in shame. 

"No offense James but I don't think you would be much help where I work. Consider it a favor, I owed Clint anyway." Stephan offered a Bucky a soft smile.

"You're probably right. I don't know much about the medical field." The soldier said sheepishly. "So what happened after I passed out?" He felt awkward around a doctor. Strange was obviously very smart and Bucky was...not. 

"Well, Clint carried you home. Before you fainted you said not to call an ambulance so he brought you here. Then he phoned me and I checked you over. You are so lucky that nothing broke, however, get a lot of rest because you are severely bruised and eat something. I'm sure that is what caused your dizziness in the first place." 

"Thank you again, doctor."

"No need to thank me, it was really no problem." Strange said his goodbyes and left the apartment after grabbing his coat and medical bag. Bucky's attention went to Clint as he sat in the comfortable dining table chair and his friend cooked over the stove.

"Did he fire me you too?" Bucky prayed to God that his idiocracy didn't cause his friend his job too.

Clint's head snapped to the injured man and his eyes widened in shock. 

"He fired you?"

"Yes. For dropping the desk." 

"That son of a bitch." Clint put the cooked chicken on a plate and placed it in front of the soldier. 

"I know. How am I going to get a new job? How am I going to support Steve?" The stress pooled in his shoulders again as he began to eat, devouring every bite.

"You'll find something. You're too good of a mechanic to not find a new job. Maybe I could talk to Sal and get you your job back."

"No. A hard No. What if he fires you too? I can't let you take the risk." Clint nodded in agreement.

"The world rewards good people James. You'll find a great job. I promise." He gave Bucky a reassuring smile while Bucky continued to scarf down his food. 

"Listen, after you're done with that, meet me in the bedroom. We can listen to the game on my radio." Clint patted the brunette's shoulder on his way out and then immediately regretted it when Bucky let out an agonizing groan. They laughed it off and soon enough they were wrapped in the sports game being broadcasted on the radio. 

Time passed very slowly and Bucky decided he needed to go home when his watch showed the time 5:30. He said his goodbyes to Clint and thanked him profusely. Of course, Clint having the heart of gold gave Bucky a spare apartment key explaining that he was welcomed whenever, even if it was just to eat. The soldier just wrapped his friend in a bone-crushing hug, even if it hurt him, and questioned what he did in his past life to deserve Clint.

Eventually, the door shut behind Bucky and he was on his way home. His mind was filled with different apologies he could say to Steve. But nothing sounded perfect, in the end, he decided that he was worthy of nothing. Steve should hate him and leave him and be happy. He didn't deserve something so pure, he wished the blonde would find somebody that could love him, even if it killed Bucky. He wouldn't care as long as Steve was happy. He could never love the smaller man, the soldier could never give Steve a peaceful life.

He never realized how close he lived to Clint until he reached his front door. His stomach hurt but not physically, from all the anguish he was feeling. He was scared to see Steve, he was scared he lost him forever.

The key slid into the hole easily and he opened the door to see the house exactly the same way he left it. Toeing off his shoes and dropping his keys and wallet into the dish by the door he made his way to the kitchen. He saw that pancakes had been made, his heart warmed that Steve ate food. Bucky always wanted to make sure he felt warm and his belly was full of food. He was glad he didn't eat this morning, at least he knew the blonde would go to sleep satisfied.

As he walked closer to the bedroom, he heard chattering. At first, he heard a female voice he couldn't recognize and then he heard Steve. He placed his ear on the door, trying to get closer to listen. 

"Well, if I had to go off of what I was feeling, I would say a girl. But I could be wrong."

"Could you imagine? A little girl running around." The unfamiliar voice spoke again.

"I wouldn't mind a little girl either. Blue eyes and dark hair. I'm just nervous to carry the baby for so many months, you know. What if she comes out unhealthy like me?"

Bucky's heart dropped. Steve was pregnant and it was _his._ No this couldn't be. He always used a condom. He wanted to cry, he ruined the blonde's life. He was angry at himself, he was angry at Steve for not telling him in the morning when he asked. 

He needed to know for sure if this baby was his. Without another beat passing, he slammed the door open. 

He saw Natasha sprawled out on their bed and Steve sitting upright next to her.

"Whose baby are you carrying Rodgers?!" Bucky shouted. Steve's face looked horrified while Natasha looked angry. He could care less about the red-head. The soldier wanted answers and explanations. He wanted confirmation.

"How long have you been outside the door? That's not fair to any of us!" Natasha barked back. Bucky wished Natasha would disappear right about now, he just wanted to speak to Steve.

"Not important!" The brunette roared back at Natasha. "Steve. Whose baby are you carrying?"

Steve looked absolutely terrified. Bucky hated that he was doing this to the blonde. He needed to calm down, for his love. Bucky counted to ten in his head, trying to level his voice. The soldier didn't want to cause Steve any more pain than he already has.

"I-I...Buck- I mean James, why are you back from work so early?" Bucky wished Steve would stop avoiding the question. He also decided right now wouldn't be the right time to discuss his jobless state right now.

"I'm going to ask you one more time." Bucky approached the blonde, towering over him. "Steve, whose baby are you carrying?" This time Bucky didn't yell. His voice was stern but not loud. It was pained.

Steve took in a shuttering breath, before whispering

"Yours." 

At first, Bucky felt an overwhelming wave of shame and sadness. He shut his eyes tight trying to get all thoughts to disappear. He ruined Steve's life, he gave him a life sentence. He wished he could switch places with the blonde but he knew he couldn't. The soldier wanted to lay down and break down but he couldn't. The brunette couldn't be weak anymore, crying and fainting only caused him consequences. The stress and anxiety that he had felt earlier added to his shame and sadness and completely took over him. He crouched down to the floor, his head in his hands and tried to sort out this mess. Every emotion in his body overwhelmed him until it all turned into anger.

This anger burned so far deep inside of him, he needed a way to release it. When his eyes finally shot open he stood upright and grabbed the closest object to him, which happened to be a lamp and threw it as hard as he could against the wall across from the bed where Steve and Natasha lay. Breaking things didn't make him feel better, he immediately realized that was a mistake.

Steve curled up next to Natasha, a hand on his stomach, trying to protect his baby, _their baby._ The blonde was shaking like a leaf clearly in distress and Bucky's anger simmered down knowing that his outbursts were only causing Steve harm.

He sighed, wiping his face with his hand. His body still hurt and standing felt like was running a marathon.

"James get the fuck out!" Natasha screamed at Bucky. He knew he deserved it. The soldier decided to ignore her and directed all his attention to Steve.

"Steve, can we talk alone." His grey eyes met the blonde's blue ones and he felt tears well up in his eyes seeing how stressed his baby looked.

"You're fucking crazy if you think that I'm going to leave you alone with him." The red-head spit out. 

"Please Steve, I promise I'll be calm." He was disgusted with himself that he even had to promise such a fundamental aspect of a conversation. 

"It's okay Tasha. Just wait outside for me, James and I need to talk." Her head turned to look at him dead in the eye.

"You sure?" She looked worried.

"I'll be okay." She left the room without another word and when she passed Bucky, she knocked her shoulder into his arm hard. The soldier wasn't prepared for Natasha's aggression and already being injured he stumbled back and winced in pain but remained his upright position. When the door shut and they knew they were alone, Bucky took a seat on the corner of the bed facing Steve. The first one to speak was the brunette.

"How long have you known?" 

"I've known for about two weeks because of my symptoms but I officially confirmed it yesterday." Bucky put his head down in shame again.

"Are you mad?" Steve's voice was laced with fear and pain.

"Not at you." Bucky's voice was curt.

"Why are you mad?" 

"I did this to you." Bucky wiped a hand over his face again out of stress. "I got you pregnant and now you have a lifetime sentence."

"You don't want this baby?" His voice sounded hurt. The soldier looked up to see the pregnant man on the verge of tears. 

"Why would we want this? We are twenty-two and not even a couple."

"That's true but together we could figure this out. You can't leave me with this baby Buck." Steve let the tears stream down his face and his voice broke with every syllable said.

"If you're so big on teamwork than why didn't you tell me this morning you were pregnant?" Bucky challenged. Steve's eyes widened with shock and then his features twisted in anger.

"You expected me to tell you after I come home and hear you fucking some random bitch in _our_ bed?" The blonde was crawling towards Bucky now. Rage becoming evident in his tone. 

"I got so sick this morning that I passed out, after throwing up everything in my stomach and you, someone who was supposed to love me, left me on the floor for twenty minutes." He jabbed a finger into the brunette's chest. "Then you say I'm- I'm a responsibility." He began to tear up again at the words being said. 

Bucky knew Steve was right in every way. 

"And then you put your hands on me and now I have these ugly bruises on my wrists." The blonde shoved both his hands into Bucky's view and the soldier's heart broke when he saw dainty wrists stained with purple and yellow, much like his own chest. 

He went out to grab Steve's wrists to kiss them but the blonde quickly flinched and then moved them back. 

Bucky didn't care who saw him, he burst into tears, putting his head into his hands. His blondie was scared of him. Steve was still angry, however, and continued his speech.

"Wow!" Steve scoffed. "Now you're the one crying." Steve was filled with so much anger and hurt that he took both hands and shoved Bucky off the corner of the bed and onto the floor. 

The soldier knew on any other day Steve wouldn't have the strength to push Bucky anywhere but the second his hands hit the injured man's midsection he had jumped back in pain which caused him to fall off the bed. His stomach hitting the floor first and Bucky let out a scream of anguish and agony.

"Bucky get up." Steve said panicked and shocked at how fast the brunette fell. 

The soldier felt like he couldn't breathe.

_God you really are pathetic. Fucking weak piece of shit._

Bucky tried to get up again. His arms shook and every muscle in his body screamed in pain but he did it. He got to a sitting position and slid himself to the corner of the room and slumped his back against the wall. He looked up at Steve who was still on the bed confused at how weak Bucky was.

"I'm sorry" Bucky croaked, tears still spilled from his eyes. Steve didn't say anything, he just moved to the corner of the bed where the brunette once was. "I know I'm too late, I know I should've said these things earlier. I know I should've stopped fucking dames left and right and I should've let you take the bed." His words were coming out in long rambles. "I let you sleep on the couch almost every night like you meant nothing to me. I'm the biggest asshole on the face of the Earth. I know that. There is nothing that you could say about me that I haven't told myself ten times worse." Steve was bawling now, his eyes rimmed red and his hands in his hair. "I have nothing else to say then I'm sorry, and if you want to leave me and be happy, you should. I'm no good for yo-."

"No! Don't you dare say that." Steve cut in. "You said you wouldn't leave."

"Steve, I gave you a life's punishment. Don't you hate me? I hate me!" Bucky retorted as Steve wiped his tears from his face.

"I hate you when you're being like this. Where did you go?" Steve's voice was soft now.

"I'm right here blondie." Steve half-smiled at the old nickname but then a frown appeared on his face again.

"No" The pregnant man shook his head slowly. "I want to talk to Bucky. My Bucky. Please." The soldier's heart filled with sadness and desperation. His fingers began to pull at his own soft brown hair out of frustration. Tears sprang from his eyes again.

"I wish I could find him blondie. I-I" He couldn't finish his sentence, he put his head in his hands. Steve got off from the bed taking soft steps towards his ex-lover until he was close enough to lift Bucky's head with his hands.

Grey met blue again.

"Please. Finish what you were going to say." The blonde's voice coming out like a broken whisper.

"I can't explain it." Bucky pulled away from Steve. "I feel like this isn't my body, I didn't deserve to survive that war, Steve. I should've died. I feel so guilty all the time." He broke down again. "I-I- I see it everywhere I go."

"You see what?" Steve grabbed his face again.

"War. Death. Everything. Every sound and every color brings a bloody memory to my head. This" Bucky pointed to Steve and then himself. "This is why I can't be with you. My problems are becoming your problems and I won't let you drag me around anymore."

"Bucky no-"

"Think of the baby Rogers." Bucky leaned into Steve's touch. "This stress I'm putting on you, it can't be good for the baby." The soldier wiped away the blonde's tears. "I'm trying to save you-"

"Save me from who?!" Steve was angry again.

"From me. We can't be together. Not until I get better." Bucky felt his heart crack in his chest. With all the pain he had felt in his life, even in war, seeing Steve cry and knowing he is the cause of the blonde's agony broke the soldier's heart more than anything else would. He could already feel himself getting numb. 

"So you don't want to raise this baby with me. Huh!" Steve pushed Bucky's chest. A flare of pain going through his body. "You're going to leave me when I need you the most." Steve's tears were freely flowing down his cheeks now. He looked a wreck, his eyes were completely red, his hair devilish and his cheeks a soft pink. To Bucky, he still looked beautiful.

"I never said I was going to leave you. I'm going to take care of you, but we have to be friends. Just friends." 

"I don't want to be just friends. I know you love me. We can make this work. Bucky please."

"I love you blondie. I know you love me too but I can't keep hurting you." Steve completely jumped out of Bucky's touch.

"You're just being a coward." Steve screamed in his face.

_Was he being a coward? Bucky didn't know._

"No Steve. You don't think I want to have a 100 babies with you. I do. I want us to be a big happy family!" Bucky was shouting now. "But we can't. I'm not well. I physically hurt you this morning because I was having a flashback." His voice calmed down. "What if I hurt that baby?" He walked over to the smaller man and fully embraced him in a hug.

God. This felt so right. Even if the act of hugging the pregnant man brought excruciating pain to his body he still felt like he was floating. He reached his hand to play in Steve's blond soft hair.

"I wouldn't live with myself if I hurt the baby. Our baby." Bucky whispered into his hair.

"If you want me to leave. I'll leave." Steve spoke into his chest.

"I never said that. What I said this morning, I didn't mean it. I'm going to take care of you because I love you. But we can't sleep around with each other anymore. It's not healthy."

"God I wish the war never happened Buck." They slowly rocked in place as Bucky relished the feeling of having Steve in his arms for one last time.

"Me either blondie." He kissed the top of the pregnant man's head. Both of their hearts were broken and sadness followed them like a dark cloud.


	5. Lie After Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve learns more about post-WW2 Bucky and becomes determined to find his old friend and lover against the walls he had built. An intimate moment is shared until they are torn apart by another unfortunate event.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another update!! Thank you to everyone reading this and leaving kudos and comments, it really means a lot. I'm starting to get some writer's block with this story which is honestly extremely frustrating because I want to finish this before I have to go back to school. I know that once school starts I'll have NO free time to update since I take a lot of AP (college courses) with my other high school classes and I don't want to leave this fic unfinished because it's unfair to the readers. I also have a ton of summer work I haven't started so that has also been stressing me out. Anyway, I added a little fluff because why not.

Bucky's POV

Bucky couldn't remember how he got into bed, but there he was, covered in the cheap white sheets with Steve pressed to his chest. He relished in the feeling of having the blonde in his arms. He peered at Steve lovingly and took in all his features, the way his soft golden hair was messy but perfect, the way his pouty pink lips parted while he softly snored, and his long dark eyelashes casting a soft shadow on his cheeks.

The brunette's eyes traveled down from Steve's face to his frail chest and then to his stomach. The soldier's heart dropped. He hadn't really thought about the baby but now he realized how serious this situation could be.

He was well aware that Steve would get little to no medical treatment, which already terrified him, but when the baby was born he would have another mouth to feed. Then he remembered how jobless he was and that this week would be his last paycheck. He could never tell Steve about losing his job.

He rolled over to look at the clock and saw it was past 10. Bucky couldn't remember the last time that he had stayed in bed for so long. As Steve began to stir in his sleep, the soldier left the bed reluctantly to wash up before breakfast. The tiles were cold below his feet which made him hiss with each step but he continued to make his way to the bathroom to rid of his morning breath.

Looking at himself in the mirror has always been hard for Bucky. It wasn't his appearance that made him feel disgusting, it was the scars that littered across his chest and arms, the deep one around the bottom of his calf and the largest and most noticeable scar on his left arm. He remembers the memory like it was yesterday, the way his arm was almost blown off, the nurses trying to stitch him back together, the needles that were used. The pain, that burning, hot, white pain. A shiver ran down his spine at the thought. Bucky wanted to forget everything.

He began to lift his shirt, to see his new injury, and again was disgusted at his body. The bruise felt a lot better but didn't look like it had healed at all. Instead, the yellow had faded and was replaced by angry red and a darker blue and purple. Bucky's hands began to unwrap the bandages around his chest, revealing a bloody gash.

_Fuck. Steve could see this._

The soldier tried to re-wrap the bandages across his chest where the desk had left a cut but it was impossible to do alone. The bandage kept falling and he began to get frustrated. Bucky gave up and settled for using multiple band-aids across the large opening. Band-aid after band-aid was used and regretted taking off the bandage in the first place. He stuck them on roughly, which only irritated his gash more. 

After he was done with his chest, he left the bloody bandage on the sink and took a look at his toned body again. The gash didn't look properly cared for and the band-aids were too small for the large opening allowing for most of the cut to be left exposed. Red blood ran down his chest as the gash began to bleed after being irritated by the poor use of the band-aids. Suddenly, he heard a soft pattering of feet and he knew that Steve was coming.

Desperately and as quickly as he could, he began to rapidly put away the band-aids and wipe the blood from his chest with the hand towel by the sink but to no avail. 

The door swung open before he could pull his shirt down and Steve took a glance at Bucky's bloody body before kneeling in front of the toilet and throwing everything up. Awful retching sounds were coming from the pregnant man and the soldier felt guilty. He kneeled next to Steve, whose face was buried in the toilet, and rubbed his back slowly.

Steve removed his head from the bowl and rested it on the lid. Bucky took a hard look at him, his cerulean eyes looked dull and his bags were heavy, while his skin was clammy but the morning sun shone on him and to Bucky, he looked like a God.

"Good morning." Steve said through labored breaths, smiling as best as he could.

"Good morning Blondie. Do you need anything?"

The small man was about to respond when another wave of nausea hit and he dipped his head in the bowl again and began dry heaving. Bucky did not hesitate to rub his back and whisper softly in his ears. The brunette hoped he was helping but he could never truly know what Steve was going through.

When Steve was finally finished he put his head on the toilet seat again, lazily looking up at Bucky with tears brimming his eyes and down his cheeks. The brunette felt consumed by guilt, his poor baby was suffering because of his carelessness.

"I'm sorry Steve. I really am." His voice was hoarse and full of sincerity.

"I know."

An unsettling silence filled the room, Bucky wanted to be forgiven by Steve but he knew things like that took time and he didn't want to push him away again either. The bigger man wished he could go back to things before the war and start all over but he couldn't.

Bucky helped Steve up and got him to the bathroom sink to freshen up. Immediately blue orbs noticed the bloody bandages. The brunette snatched them off of the bathroom sink as fast as he could but he was too late, the pregnant man had already seen them. Steve spit the toothpaste out of his mouth before asking.

"Are you going to tell me what those were for?" Bucky's mind racked for an answer but couldn't provide a valid lie.

"Were they for your chest?" Steve further inquired.

"No." Bucky spits the toothpaste out of his mouth and finished rinsing.

"That's not fair. I thought our conversation yesterday changed a lot of things for us." Steve sounded hurt.

"It did." Bucky's voice was sharp and cut through the air. He felt himself beginning to get annoyed at Steve's persistence.

"Then why are you still lying to me." 

"I'm not!" 

"God Bucky, when you do things like this-" Bucky slammed his hand on the corner of the sink and turned to Steve, raging with anger.

"Things like what Steve?" The soldier cut him off.

"When you lie to me, and yell at me, and hide things from me. You make me feel like nothing." Steve took several steps back, holding his hands against his flat tummy. "You make me feel like I'm worthless, that I'm not deserving of your truth." Steve said softly.

Deep down, Bucky knew Steve was right but he couldn't admit that. If he were to accept that the blonde was right in this situation he would _have_ to say the truth but he couldn't. He couldn't add more stress to their lives, Bucky would have to handle it all by himself.

Bucky turned so that his back faced the pregnant man and began to exit the bathroom. He didn't know how to handle these situations. Maybe it would be better if he left.

"Don't you dare fucking leave me, James!" The soldier stopped walking and still couldn't see Steve's face but he knew he was crying. He heard the cracks and hurt in his voice. Bucky didn't know why he kept hurting Steve, he wasn't deserving of the blonde's love. He knew this would happen, broken people break other people and here he is, half the man he once was because of the war, slowly breaking down the man he loved the most.

"Tell me!" The blonde swung his hand around in frustration when Bucky remained silent, accidentally knocking over a cup full of toothbrushes. They hit the tile floor in a series of loud _bangs._

Suddenly Bucky heard gunshots, and he froze up at the sound Steve had caused. The brunette felt a wave of unknown emotions completely take over him. He covered his ears and squeezed his eyes really tight as he sunk to the floor. Feeling unsafe standing up completely exposed to the potential threat. He wanted to cry- no he wanted to fight, he needed to protect himself from the gunshots. Bucky fell to the floor completely and decided that taking cover was the best way to avoid being shot. Gunshots kept ringing around his ears and his body felt like it was burning up. Fear seemed to invade his body and Bucky shook with terror.

Time seemed to be lost while he was held a prisoner in his own haunting memories. Confusion and fear overtook all of Bucky's senses and completely dictated what the soldier would do. The brunette could've sworn he was at home with Steve but now he saw himself running in Europe, ducking the bullets and seeing blood splattered everywhere. Even on his hands. 

This couldn't be real, he screamed but not one person looked up. His fellow soldiers were busy fighting or dropping dead. He needed someone to save him from this horrible nightmare. He had fought the war, he survived, he got to go home and be happy again. That's what Uncle Sam would say. He failed to mention he would forever be haunted. That wasn't fair. 

It wasn't until he heard a soft voice whispering in his ear telling him that he was home, that he opened his eyes. Bucky took in the familiar bathroom with paint-chipped walls and not so shiny sink and shower, even though he knew they were clean. He then felt a weight right on his dick and realized that Steve had climbed on top of him and was stroking his hair. All of his sense returned to the soldier and he realized he wasn't in war but with Steve. He felt on edge and unsafe but he knew where he was and he thanked God he wasn't in combat at the moment.

Bucky inhaled a breath of relief but was too embarrassed to meet the blue eyes burning holes into him so he focused on the all weight ceiling instead. It was like fear had been ingrained in his heart. _How could he protect Steve when he could barely protect himself?_

Finally, he gained the courage to speak.

"What was that sound?" He needed to know that what he heard wasn't gunshots but something else, something normal.

"I accidentally knocked the cup of toothbrushes down." Steve's voice was laced with guilt.

"O-Okay." His grey eyes met blue orbs and he felt himself starting to calm down.

"What did you think you heard?" The pregnant man questioned softly.

_Gunshots._

"Just something really loud." Bucky lied. Steve gave him an unsatisfied look.

"How do you feel Buck?"

_Scared. Anxious. Out of control. Sad. Guilty._

"I feel fine now." Lie after lie.

"How did you feel before?"

_Fearful. Confused. Angry. Lost._

"I felt weird." 

"Buck, tell me the truth pleas-" Steve inched his way closer to the brunettes face but accidentally sat on his bruise which caused Bucky to scream cutting off the blonde's plea. Out of pain, he shoved Steve back which caused the blonde's back to hit the edge of the bathtub.

The soldier sat up and saw the look of hurt that flashed across Steve's face. The blonde put his head in his hands and let his shoulder slump in defeat.

_You're weak James. You couldn't even let a 110-pound man sit on your stomach without screaming in pain._

Bucky needed to make this better, he needed to make Steve feel happier. The soldier approached Steve carefully and opened his arms inviting the pregnant man for a hug.

"Why would I want to hug you right now Buck." Steve's voice was filled with hurt. Bucky felt broken and scared all over again.

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make things better."

"This is the second time you've hit me." Guilt filled in his heart again, weighing it down.

"This is why we can't be together." Bucky declared again.

"But we aren't together. So what's the problem?" Confusion, anger, and pain were written all over the blonde's face.

Bucky took in a large breath of air, trying to organize his thoughts in a way that wouldn't have Steve running for the door and never coming back. Even if the two "friends" never seeing each other again seemed like the most logical thing to do, he wanted Steve in his arms. He was selfish and he was well aware of that.

"I'm not well." Bucky hoped that would satisfy Steve's curiosity.

The pregnant man rolled his eyes in response and got up from the white tile floor. Bucky panicked. He didn't want to be alone, he needed Steve with him.

"W-wait! W-w-where are you going." His words quickly tumbling out of his mouth.

Steve turned to stare Bucky directly in his face with hard unforgiving eyes.

"Tell me the truth." His voice was soft. "Please Bucky, let me help you for once." He kneeled in front of the soldier and grabbed his hands. "Let me do something for you. But I can't help you unless you tell me what's going on in that mind of yours." Pale frail hands gently carded fingers through brown hair. Bucky leaned into his blondie's touch.

"I'm trying blonde."

"I know."

"Please don't force me to speak."

Steve pulled away and moved to lean against the bathtub. The pregnant man began to rub his belly in defeat.

"You want to feel?" Steve offered gently patting his belly.

"Can I?"

"Of course, it's your baby too." Steve reached out grabbing the wrist of Bucky's hand and lead it to his midsection. Bucky noticed the bruise across the blonde's wrist and felt guilt begin to build. Then he noticed his hands, those awful hands who killed and hurt and he began to pull back, not wanting to hurt the baby. Steve was persistent, only gripping Bucky's wrist tighter and dragging it to his stomach.

"I know you're somewhere in there Bucky, you'll come back one day." Steve whispered staring into his grey cold eyes.

The minute Bucky's large hand came into contact with where the baby was his heart warmed. Of course, Steve wasn't showing yet but the idea was still there. His blondie was carrying his baby and he loved it. He loved him. Bucky felt a genuine smile creep on his face, he looked up to see Steve grinning softly at him too. Beautiful.

Bucky's hand spread out against the entirety of the other man's belly. Due to Steve being so small, it was easy for the soldier's hand to cover the smaller man's midsection completely. He loved this, he loved this moment. The brunette looked up to see endearing ocean orbs staring at back at him.

His grey eyes traveled down Steve's face until he saw those pink beautiful pouty lips. God, he could kiss him right now. They leaned in, their face only inches apart. Bucky's heart was beating out of his chest, he saw Steve closing his eyes in anticipation and he felt the light brush of the other's lips on his and an electrifying shock ran through his body.

/We can't be together. You'll ruin him.

Bucky pulled away immediately, getting up in the process and turning his back to Steve. He couldn't imagine the look on his face. The smaller man pushed past him and went into their bedroom, slightly irritating his bruise on his chest. The door shut harshly behind Steve and he knew the blonde was annoyed. In all fairness, he had the right to be. Bucky kept leading him on and taking him nowhere. He wanted to make it up to his blondie, he needed to.

Bucky turned to face the bedroom Steve was hiding in. He knocked once before entering. Opening the door revealed the small man under the sheets with a pillow on his head.

"We should talk." Bucky's started the conversation. Steve shot up from the bed throwing the pillow on the ground.

"We did that yesterday. And all you did was tell me that we can't be together and then lie today!" Steve screamed in frustration.

"I know. But I'm here, to be honest with you."

Steve didn't look convinced but Bucky didn't care. He sat on the bed next to Steve and crossed his legs.

"When that cup fell," Bucky squeezed his eyes tight and hugged himself for comfort. Steve deserved the truth, after all that the brunette had put him through."I heard gunshots. The same ones I would hear when I would fight, when I would kill other people." Steve eases his arms around Bucky making sure not to startle him with his touch. "It brought me back to a certain haunting memory and I felt like I was in danger." The soldier opened his eyes. "For a couple of seconds, I felt like I wasn't home with you, that I was off in Europe."

Steve sat in the man's lap and stroked his hair lovingly. The pregnant man fit perfectly in Bucky's lap, his petite frame trying to embrace the broad soldier. Bucky knew Steve was trying his best to calm him down and it was working, but Steve couldn't undo the things he saw. All those poignant memories forever following close behind the soldier would continue to haunt him. Bucky thanked every lucky star that Steve got to stay home, he was sure the blonde would've died on the first day, and what would he do without his Blondie.

"Can I ask you something?" Bucky removed Steve's hand from his hair as the soldier nodded in agreement.

"Why aren't you at work?" Bucky was a horrible liar, especially when it came to Steve, but he couldn't tell the pregnant man the truth. He couldn't worry him anymore.

"Sal gave me a day off." He could see the wheels turning in Steve's head, trying to put the story together.

"That sounds very unlike Sal." Bucky knew Steve wouldn't stop asking until he was certain the larger man wasn't lying, and right now the blonde was very skeptical.

"It is, but he knows I'm a hard worker. Plus," Bucky slowly inched Steve back until he was still sitting on his lap but he had enough room to show his bruise and gash by lifting his shirt. "I got hurt on the job. So he gave me today to recover before I have to go back." The lie flew right through his teeth and he hoped Steve bought it.

"Oh God!" Steve gasped at the sight of Bucky's chest. He saw tears start to well in the blonde's eyes.

"God Bucky, you fix cars for a living. How did you get that?"

"I was helping to remove an engine of a car and when I unscrewed the last bolt it fell on my chest." Bucky hated himself for lying to his Blondie again, but he had to. What type of man gets hurt moving a desk? Not a real man, was Bucky's answer inside of his head. He also couldn't tell Steve about the not eating situation either. Now that he knew the other man was pregnant, he would let all food go to him first before he would allow himself to eat, but if Steve knew Bucky wasn't eating then the blonde would put himself after the soldier, which was what he didn't want.

"But Bucky, engines aren't that big." A hint of skepticism and confusion crossed Steve's beautiful face.

"It was a really big car." _Seriously James, that's the only lie you could think of._ Panic ran through his veins as he prayed that Steve wouldn't catch on.

"Well, that gash doesn't look properly cared for Buck. I think we have some spare bandages in the bathroom, and I'll wrap it up for you."

"Blondie, you don't have to. I swear it isn't that big of a dea-"

"No!" Steve said almost screaming. "Let me do something for you." 

"You do everything for me." Steve didn't look convinced at Bucky's words.

"What happened to me being a liability?" Ouch. Bucky felt defeated at those words.

"You know I didn't mean that." The soldier hoped Steve could hear the sincerity in his voice. He loved Steve and he never meant to call the blonde a responsibility.

"Doesn't mean it hurts any less Buck." Steve hid his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry." He felt like he had said those two words more than he has in the last two days.

"I know, but let me take care of you now." And with those words, he hopped off Bucky's lap and ran to the bathroom.

"Sit on the bed!" He screamed from the other room and Bucky followed the small man's orders, taking a seat on the unmade bed. He hated lying to Steve, he really did but under no circumstance could the pregnant find out he lost his job. Bucky wouldn't allow for another thing to stress out Steve, he just hoped the blonde would never figure out the truth because that would break the smaller man's trust forever.

Steve ran back into the room, excited that he could help his lover. Bucky opened his legs and raised his arms so that the blonde could have full access to his chest. Steve stepped in between the other man's legs and began ripping off the band-aids as carefully as he could. Occasionally, Bucky would gasp in pain and Steve would offer a soft sorry. He cleaned the gash with careful and steady hands and used all his energy to concentrate as Bucky admired his Blondie from above. The soldier loved that even sitting Steve was only eye level with the top of chest and standing, the blonde just reached under his chest. He was so tiny and Bucky wanted to grab him up, place his body in his lap and kiss him, give him never-ending pleasure in bed, or simply make him happy on his worse days. It saddened Bucky that recently he had been causing Steve agony and pain.

When the bandage had been fully wrapped around his chest and Bucky felt better, externally, at least, he threw his back against the bed in content. Steve hopped onto the bed as well, crawling next to Steve and nuzzling his face onto Bucky's broad chest.

_Too close Blondie. I could hurt you._

The lavender scent of Steve drifted into the air and Bucky took the chance to absorb as much as he could with it. The mattress was soft against their backs and the soldier's hand caressed the other man's stomach, in attempts to feel closer to their baby. Steve inched his face closer.

_Move away. We can't be together._

Blue met grey. God he wished he could swoop up Steve and kiss him, but the timing was wrong. Steve's soft features were highlighted by the afternoon sun and those lips kept coming closer to Bucky. It was tempting, to see the love of his life only centimeters away now and having to pull back. 

_You shouldn't do this._

_This isn't right._

_You'll only hurt him._

_You're filthy, and he's pure._

_I love him._

Their faces were so close, he could feel Steve's breath on his face and he wished he could get closer.

_Fuck it._

Bucky smashed his lips into Steve's soft pouty ones in a moment of passion and love. Lightening rushed through him as Steve moaned into his mouth at the feeling of the two lovers finally being connected. Both of their hands wandered across each other's body, trying to get the most out of each other. Larger hands gripped Steve's soft but perfect ass while smaller dainty hands caressed the soldier's toned and muscular arms. Bucky felt like he was floating, he felt safe and loved by Steve and his only hope was that the blonde felt just as ecstatic as he did in this moment. But soon all those thoughts were pushed away when the smaller man bit Bucky's bottom lip softly sending waves of pleasure through his body. All he could think about was Steve and god damn did it feel right.

But then, unfortunately, Steve pulled away harshly.

"Oh god!" Steve's hands flew to his stomach.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you? " Bucky crawled over to Steve on the bed and rubbed his back. "I'm so sorry Steve, I didn't mean to hurt you." The blonde continued to groan and pant in pain.

"No" Steve choked out weakly. Bucky shook with panic, trying to make his baby feel better but he didn't know what was going on. He knew he should've never given in and kiss the blonde. "Bl-blood" 

Bucky was confused by Steve's words until he looked down and saw a small pool of dark red warm liquid slowly expanding on the sheets. 

"Hurts Buck it hurts." Steve cried out again and his body went lax in the soldier's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed that chapter. It's a little shorter than usual, I'm very sorry about that but that's because I'm starting to run out of ideas and inspiration. Don't forget to share your thoughts in the comments and leave a kudos, I love hearing feedback (even if it's criticism). Thank youuuuuuu!!!!!
> 
> P.S  
> Do you guys still hate Bucky? lol. I'm trying to win back his affection slowly but I'm not sure if it's working.  
> Is there anything that can help me improve my writing skills?


	6. A Thief in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky understands the damage he has created and is willing to do anything to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!!! I know it's been forever since I updated this and I completely understand if no one cares about this fic anymore because I took LITERALLY FOREVER to post a chapter. School consumes me 24/7 and I had horrible writer's block. Anyway, updates will be more frequent since my school got shut down because of COVID-19. I am so so so so sorry this took me so long to do. Thank you to everyone for reading and I'm wishing everyone happiness, health, and peace during these scary times.

Third POV

It was a piercing pain that rudely awoke Steve. The mattress was too soft to be his and there was a weight holding his hand. Slowly opening his eyes, he took in his surroundings. Bucky was uncomfortably sleeping in a wooden chair placed next to his bed but the room he was in didn't appear to be a hospital. Instead, it seemed like he was in someone's bedroom. 

"You're awake." Steve heard a croaky whisper from next to him. 

"Buck, where am I?" Another wave of pain washed over Steve's middle as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. And then he suddenly remembered the bleeding and his hands flew to his stomach. "Is my baby okay?" Steve frantically said moving his head to lock eyes with the solider.

"Blondie...I- I don't know, Strange was supposed to do a full check up on you but you were passed out."

Steve was on the verge of tears "Who is Strange and whose house am I in?" His voice was hoarse and broken, laced with anxiety and fear. "What happened after the blood?"

Bucky reached out to hold Steve's hand. Their fingers intertwined and Bucky gave it a soft squeeze. Blue met grey.

"After you told me about the blood, I didn't know where to take you. I couldn't take you to a hospital so my friend Clint knew a doctor who I thought could help. He was here earlier and he managed to stop the bleeding but he needed you to be awake to see if the baby was okay." Bucky got up from his chair to sit next to Steve. "He's supposed to be back any minute now." 

The smaller man felt his heart shatter to pieces, drowning in the sheets and pillows all he could do was cry.

He felt hopeless. Steve wanted Bucky to hold him and rub his pain away, but his friend remained in his seat, staring into space. 

\----

It felt like forever until the door swung open, banging on the bright blue wall behind it. A man, who Steve assumed to be Strange walked through boldly, placing his medical bag on the bed next to the smaller male. Soon after another shorter male walked through, looking worried, his hair devilish as if he just woke up. 

Bucky got up to greet both the doctor and the other man. Hugging the shorter man and then giving the doctor a handshake. Then he turned to Steve.

"Steve, this is Strange, he helped me earlier" pointing to the taller man "and this is Clint, we work together." 

Steve tried to absorb all the information, but his mind was wracked with worry and guilt. His baby could be gone, how could he focus on anything else. 

"Okay, Steve I'm going to need you to sit up for this examination please." Strange began to sanitize his hands as Steve moved up on the bed. A sharp pain radiated in his lower area.

"Fuck that hurts." He subtly whispered under his breath. Bucky ran over to his side of the bed again, offering his help. The soldier fluffed the smaller man's pillows and guided him to where his back rested upright and his knees were spread apart. 

"Perfect." Strange was calm and collected. "I'm aware that there was bleeding last night. Spotting can happen during pregnancy and can be normal but from what I observed, the amount of bleeding was too much. So the procedure I'm about to perform is to see if your baby is okay." 

Steve's heart hurt, but he sadly nodded at Strange. His eyes traveled to Bucky, reaching his hand out for the other to hold. He needed support, especially from Bucky.

Strange began to take different instruments from his medical bag. The room was deadly silent as the doctor worked. Using his hands to feel around, placing a stethoscope on different areas of Steve's stomach. The blonde could do nothing but pray for the best.

"Do you want to hear?" The doctor made eye contact with Steve.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want to hear the heartbeat." Strange began to remove the stethoscope from his ears. Steve felt a wave of relief wash over him. Tears sprang to his eyes and he looked at Bucky, who smiles back. 

"Please it would mean the world." Strange placed the stethoscope in his ears and then began fiddling with the instrument to find the heartbeat again.

"It's faint so you have to listen carefully." He warned. Steve weakly nodded and strained his hearing for the sound, but he heard nothing. His heart sank again.

"I don't hear anything." The doctor held up one finger and began moving the instrument around again. 

Suddenly, Steve heard a faint thud ring in his ears. His hands flew to his mouth, completely blown away by his baby.

"Oh gosh, I hear it! Bucky I really hear it." Bucky gave his blondie a watery smile but then brought his attention back to Strange.

"So everything is completely fine?" Bucky asked.

"Well, not exactly." Bucky's face fell and Steve handed Strange his instrument back. "What Steve went through was close to a miscarriage. Something as severe as that could have adverse effects on the fetus. There is nothing that can be done to predetermine these effects until the baby is born." 

"So you're saying that because of what happened yesterday could have caused permanent damage on my baby?" Steve's eyes darted from Strange and Bucky. 

"Precisely." Bucky dropped Steve's hand and ran it throw his short hair in panic and fear.

"What caused the miscarriage?" Bucky chimed in.

"Well, that could've been a series of things. Stress, too much physical activity, hormones, cervical insufficiency. Sometimes things like this just happen and it's no one's fault." Strange informed. "But there are things that I have to go over. This is going to be a difficult and possibly a very painful one as well for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, you're a man and this is a rare case. Secondly, your health conditions could also complicate the pregnancy too. I strongly suggest that you take things easy." He looked at Bucky sternly. "No stress, no heavy lifting."

"Understood." Bucky responded firmly.

"Perfect." He outreached a hand to Steve, shaking it firmly before doing the same for the brunette. "I wish you both the best with your little one. I must be going now." 

Clint, who had been standing by the door the entirety of the procedure, walked Strange out of the bedroom.

"Wait!" Bucky chased after Strange into the hallway. Steve would've followed but he was too exhausted and weak to do anything but lay in bed and thank every star that his baby was still with him.

Both of his dainty hands rested on his flat stomach. It almost felt silly but no one was around, so he began talking to his baby.

"Hi peanut. It's me. Your father. I know, I'm a shitty father. I almost lost you and I've only known you existed for a couple of days. I love you. I love you more than life itself and all I heard was your heartbeat. But that's all I need to know that your there. Your inside of me and I'll give everything I have to grow you as strong as I can. I promise. I'll keep you safe." Steve kissed his hand and then placed it right over his belly button. 

\----

Returning home seemed like a luxury. Bucky had been oddly silent the entire way home, but Steve didn't mind. He needed to clear his mind. 

By now, the spiking pain had dulled. Steve slowly walked to the bathroom to clean up. Taking time to later his body in soap. Usually, he would try to save some hot water for Buck, but he felt that he deserved to be selfish, using all the hot water to soothe the dull cramps.

Steve entered the small bedroom with just a towel wrapped around his small frame. Bucky sat on the edge of their weakened bed frame with his head in his hands.

"Buck?" Steve wondered if he was okay.

Immediately the brunette shot up from the bed, quickly approaching the blonde.

"Oh blondie, it's too cold to be walking 'round with just a towel." 

"I was just about to get dressed though Buck."

"At least let me get you some socks." He walked past Steve, opening his drawer looking for the warmest socks he could find, while Steve pulled out some of his pajamas. 

Bucky returned with the socks and then began sifting through his closets for other warm fuzzy blankets to wrap around the smaller man. 

"Get up on the bed" Bucky commanded. By now Steve was already dressed in his pajamas. He hopped onto the edge of the mattress feet dangling. Bucky kneeled down putting on his socks.

"Okay now lean back and move up" Bucky said. Steve did so until he was perfectly in the center of the bed. That's when Bucky began layering blanket after blanket making sure the blonde was tucked in. 

Usually, Steve did not like being doted on. It made him feel small and incapable but seeing Bucky wrap blankets on top of him and act so - so loving made his heart skip a beat. It reminded him of what Bucky used to be, a sweet and kind loving man. He rarely saw that side of him now and it scared Steve to no end. He loves Bucky, he loved Bucky before the war, he loves Bucky after the war and every phase in between. But he loves his baby too and he can't stay with a man who could put his-no their baby in harm's way. 

After Bucky finished his last layer of warmth, he moved to the side of the bed adjusting the pillows behind Steve's head.

"Better?" Bucky questioned.

"Yes" Steve replied above a whisper. Bucky gave Steve a soft smile, before continuing "You hungry blondie?"

"Very actually."

"Okay let me see what I can cook up." Bucky swiftly exited the bedroom heading for the kitchen. "Try to rest" He shouted as he left.

The sound of cabinets slamming was all that could be heard throughout the house. Realizing all they had in the fridge was less than a half a gallon of milk, Bucky silently cursed under his breath. He had to go out to get food for them. 

Bucky entered the bedroom empty-handed to see Steve half asleep. God, he looked so tiny and Bucky loved it. 

"Steve, I gotta go to the store real fast to pick up a can of soup. I'll be right back." 

He was on his way out of the room when he heard a soft voice causing him to turn back.

"Did you say somethin'?" 

Steve raised his neck off the pillow so that they can make eye contact. "I jus' wanted to say thank you. For everything you've done." 

Bucky's heart filled with love. How could this beautiful man say thank you when all he has done caused Steve harm.

"Trust me blondie I'm the last person you should thank. I'm not worth this or you." Bucky saw Steve's eyes gather tears. "I just want- I just- forget it for right now. The store closes soon and I need to get that soup for you." 

Steve nodded sadly but let Bucky go. His last thought before falling into a deep restful- but much needed- sleep was the sorrow and sadness etched on his love's face. 

\----

The store was close to their home. Only a short walk down a couple of blocks. Despite the largeness of the store, it was very empty. Only a handful of shoppers walked up and down the aisles.

Bucky knew exactly where the canned soup was. He knew this shop by heart, his first job was in this store. 

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck" Bucky could kick himself right now. After such a stressful past couple of days, he forgot that he had no money. He never went to go pick up his last paycheck from Sal meaning he didn't even have a quarter to pay for the can. 

A wave of embarrassment and shame flooded his body. How could he go home empty-handed? How could he not support Steve when it was his fault that Steve was in this mess? After Steve had thanked him for all that he was doing and now he couldn't afford to give him one decent meal.

Bucky could only think of one thing he could do. He looked around and saw no one watching so he seized the opportunity. Shoving the can of soup in his pocket he made his way to exit the store. Keeping his head down he hoped he didn't look suspicious while walking past the cash register. 

A stone-cold voice stopped him before he could get far enough.

"Are you trying to steal that?" The cashier, a tall man with dark brown eyes, said very loudly drawing attention to the situation. 

"uh- I-uh" Bucky stammered over his words as the handful of people around him stared at him, loving the scene the cashier created.

The brunette felt warmth in his cheeks and his ears. He was absolutely humiliated. He was just about ready to put the soup can back and run out the store as fast he could when he heard an elderly women's voice filled the silence in the store. 

"Sir but you are mistaken, this young man did pay." She picked up a quarter from the floor and placed it on top of the cash register. The cashier gave Bucky a dirty look before accepting the $0.25 and giving the old woman a tight smile.

Bucky looked to see who had generously paid for him and immediately recognized her. Relief and gratitude filled his heart. It was Mrs.Graham.

"Hey there Bucky boy. How's Steve?" Mrs.Graham spoke as she approached him. 

"He's doing fine. How are you?" They walked together exiting the store.

"I'm hanging in there." The night air surrounded them. Bucky realized the heavy bags in her hand. 

"I can help you with that" Bucky easily grabbing all the bags from her hand. 

"Oh boy you don't have to help me. It's okay." 

"No. I insist. It's the least I can do after you saved me back there. Thank you Mrs.Graham, you don't understand how much that meant to me." 

"Anytime."

She gave the brunette a soft smile and then lead the way. Bucky truly did love talking to Mrs. Graham. She was so wise and kind, she always had the best advice to offer. She was a good listener but she knew when to call Bucky out on his shit. Which she was doing right now.

"I saw the bruises on his wrist the other day." Bucky felt all the air in his lung disappear and his heart crumble. " Was that you?" She asked sternly. 

Bucky couldn't answer, he hated himself for doing that to Steve. Even if Steve forgave him, he would still hate what he did. 

"Sometimes silence speaks louder than actions." Bucky dropped his head in shame, he couldn't dare look at this kind sweet lady.

"Bucky look at me."

"Mrs.Graham, I- I can't."

"Bucky-"

"No, I can't." He interrupted her. His voice only above a whisper. He wished the ground could swallow him up whole. He wished he could back to that and hurt himself, but he couldn't and it killed him.

Suddenly two hands grasped the sides of his face, forcing his eyes to look at the elderly lady. 

"Bucky I've known you for so long and I know this is not you." The solider felt emotional and sucked his breath in, trying so hard to keep his eyes from leaking. "Please, please Bucky do not ever touch him like that again. No one deserves to be treated like that." 

"I know Mrs.Graham. Trust me I know." He gave her the most sincere look he could muster. She looked unsatisfied but gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek before letting go of his face and then smoothing down his shirt. 

"My apartment is the next one over. It's getting late." Bucky sadly followed behind her, replaying the memory of himself hurting his blondie over and over in his head. He wished he could cry but he quickly dried his eyes and erased any evidence of emotion in his face.

\----

Like always Steve was waiting for him when he got home, still wrapped in the blankets that Bucky had consumed him in. Bucky noticed that he looked smaller under the blankets and it warmed his heart. He also noticed how well rested Steve looked compared to the last couple of days. 

"Hey Buck. What took you so long?" Steve's voice was raspy but sweet and soft. 

"I walked Mrs.Graham home after the store."

"Oh, that was nice of you. How is she?"

"She's okay. How are you feeling?" 

"Hungry." Steve replied. 

"Give me 10 minutes to cook the soup blondie and then we could get some sleep."

Bucky cooked Steve his meal, putting everything on a wooden tray before bringing it to the pregnant man in bed. The brunette waited for Steve to sit up right before placing it on his lap and then spoon-feeding him his first bite.

"Bucky I'm pregnant not paraplegic I don't need to be spoon-fed." Bucky sighed, Steve did have a point but in the moment Bucky just wanted to show how much he loved Steve and this was his only way of knowing how.

"I know but can you please let me do this." Steve gave him a hard gaze not folding but Bucky wasn't backing down either. 

"Fine!" The blonde huffed out. Bucky smiled at his stubbornness. "Just this once but never again Buck." 

Bucky raised two hands in surrounder and then openly chuckled before feeding him another spoon.

The bowl was almost done when Steve interjected. 

"Have some for yourself Buck. You need to eat too." Steve complained trying to turn the spoon into Bucky's mouth. 

"I already ate."

"Liar." Steve called out

"I'm not lying I swear." Bucky fed Steve another spoon full of the broth.

"When did you have the time to eat?" 

"Mrs.Graham made me a sandwich for the way back for helping her with the bags."

"That was hours ago Buck you must be hungry." 

"I'm not I promise. And you're eating for two so you need it more." Steve sighed loudly. "There's only one spoon full left come on now." The blonde ate the last of the soup and lay back in bed.

"Okay, I am going to clean up and take a shower and then I'll meet you in bed."

Bucky quickly put everything back washing the dishes and then jumped into the shower. The water was freezing cold but he didn't care. He deserved every negative thing in the world. He deserved a cold unrelaxing shower, an empty stomach, and Mrs.Graham's disgust and shame. 

By the time he came back to the room, Steve had moved to one side of the bed and Bucky pulled on his pajamas before climbing in from behind and spooning Steve. He placed a palm on the blonde's flat stomach and let his chest hug the smaller back. And if his stomach growled and pained the entire night, keeping him from sleeping, he only hoped Steve was too far into a peaceful sleep to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a kudos or a comment they make my day!!! Thank you so much for reading.


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